A Change is Coming

We are down to the last few weeks before we leave the nome we have lived in for the past 28+ years. I actually never planned on moving. I was happy livin in "the Hood". We had made a lot of the changes we wanted to our home so it truly was no biggie if we lived out the rest of our time in this home.

We are about to empty nest again with no plans to fill the nest this time. The nest will have the time to time filling from visits from our boys and their growing families. We hope others will stop by for frequent visits. We do enjoy the country quiet and the ability to walk out the back or front door and not have cars and people everywhere.

We are moving a trailer load at a time . Everytime we go over we grab some stuff and take it with us. This way I can unload it and put it away as it enters the new house.

We don't plan on changing anything in the interior of the house. It will be just fine for us for the time being. Most of what we want to work on is the outside grounds. And there is so much out there to work with.

Buck and I live a fairly simple life and it will get more so now that we are going to this new house. Especially with the new economic times. We have to find short cuts and easier cheaper ways of doing things. This has hit all of us pretty hard in the pocket. I might even put out a garden. Yes, that is so hard to believe but I do enjoy some veggies. I hate when you get them from the store and they do not even taste like what they are suppose to be.

I was catching fish big time yesterday. The bluegill/pumpkinseeds are spawning and all you have to do is hold a worm over the beds and the males attack the worm. Not sure I should even call it fishing but it is fun to throw something out and be able to reel a fish in. I always throw back everything I catch. I don't want to take out all the fish and not have some there when other people want to fish. I know that is a dumb way to look at things but I don't want to cook them so why kill them for nothing.

JJ

For those who don't know JJ is our son on loan from his mom Beth who passed away nearly 3 years ago. Beth and I had known each other for about 3 years and she and I always said JJ and my oldest son were twin sons born of different moms.

Beth knew she was ill with cancer but none of us new she would pass so soon. We just weren't even in that book when it happened. But time and life waits for none of us. It doesn't care whether we are ready or not. Beth has said she hoped the kids could come live with us. She hoped that JJ would observe Buck and see how a husband and Father are really suppose to act. She also had hoped the my youngest son, Adam, could mentor JJ like a little brother. But here again, timing was just bad. Adam was in college at the University of Dayton and he also played football. And he had a girlfriend of nearly 8 years. So his time was pretty well spoken for. Luke , my eldest son, was working in Columbus, going to school to get his Master's and was about to get married.

When I say JJ is not a bad kid, it is true. You look at some of the not so bright things he has done and you really have to wonder but......at his core he is a good kid.
Over the past 4 years he has watched his parents seperate then divorce. His father is an alcoholic and his mom just couldn't deal with all the drama of that plus her own illness. He was in a horrific accident that has destroyed the life of a very good friend. JJ spent over a month in the hospital and went through several surgeries. He and his girlfriend found out she was expecting. They carried the baby girl to term and then put her up for adoption through a Christian adoption agency. A tough choice and a rough time for juniors in high school to go through. But they are still together as a couple and that is great. JJ has an underage DUI that got reduced to failure to control. And now his last pothole- taking my narcotic painkillers. He is smoking weed and doing some drinking also. Buck and I just do not believe in this kind of behavior and choices for anyone let alone a 18 [ soon to be 19] year old that lives in our home. HE KNOWS BETTER. He can make so much better choices that to get high and wasted and God knows what else when he is using my meds.
Everyone told us to turn him into the police. I just could not do that to him. A drug charge on a young person heading into college just is not good. Kentucky would have told him to stay in Ohio, they wouldn't take him. I won't be the one who screws his future up. If he wants to do that he can do it without my help. So we have set down new ground rules for his future behavior and what we expect him to do this summer. Plus he always has the option of moving out on his own.
I wish he would realize that his behavior and the way he acts is all up to him. His peer group does not and cannot control him unless he allows it to happen. THE CHOICE IS HIS. He is in control but the minute he gives into the poor choice then he has lost control and that is what we are trying to get him to understand. We know that everyone does stupid stuff, it is part of growing up. It is how we learn and grow but when stupidity turns into idiotic behaviors that can harm others it's time to put the brakes on and that is what we have done to JJ. If he cannot make good choices for himself then we will remove him from the places that aren't healthy for him until he is confident enough in himself to say hell no, I don't wanna get high, I don't wanna get plastered, and I am not stealing someone elses painkillers to get my kicks.

We have talked and talked to him and we believe he is listening to some of it. We hope he understands we only want the best for him. We want to see him succeed. But we also know that he will not succeed if he cannot stand up for his core values and say NO. If these people are really his friends then it shouldn't matter but these kids now adays believe the harder you party the better.

We will continue to try and guide him to better choices but at this point JJ has to step up and take control of HIS LIFE. He is not a little boy anymore that needs to have his hand help to walk across the street. He can get there all by himself and he can get there safely if he just listens to his heart and soul and what it is telling him everytime he is faced with one of these choices.

We continue to work with him because we made a committment to his mom to finish raising him and helping him. It would be different if we felt he was a lost cause and that he didn't care....but again we know he is a smart kid, a kid whose mom taught him right from wrong, a kid who has a conscience that is telling him when he is making a poor choice.

We wish things were different for him. You never want to see a child without his mom and dad. His mom passed away, she had no choice but his Dad chooses to not be a part of any of the kids life. How tough must that be to know your Dad doesn't care one way or the other. I would be so damned pissed at him if I was JJ. I'm not making excuses for him.

I believe in JJ. I believe he will turn this pothole into a positive. I believe he wants to succeed, he wants people to be proud of him. Most importantly he wants people to love him for who he is not because of the circumstances that have come into his life.

Life happens to all of us. At times there is nothing that seems fair about any of it but as long as a person is breathing you can make things better, you can turn things around. You can choose to let life beat you down and keep you down or you can get up off the ground and make a better life. I believe JJ will get up off the ground and choose the better part of what life has to offer to him

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO JOHN AND LINDA

May God grant you at least 30 more years together

Life and life and Life

To a special Niece----just know we would never judge you or your hubby for a choice made so long ago. We all make choices we wish we could change. Life has a way of putting us in our place from time to time and we learn and move one. You cannot go back as much as you may want. You've put it in the hands of the one person [ not sure if person is the correct term but it works for me} that matters.
I saw where today was a sucky day for you. Hopefully tomorrow is better. I'm sure that you will always have things that remind you of both Carleigh and Jordan. You don't want to ever forget either one but in turn don't let the saddness hinder the joy you have everyday with Kyndra and Anthony.

Bella-

The most precious flower in our garden of life. We love to get phone calls from her and pictures and the brief video clips of what she is doing.

We love it!!!!!

Most of the time we cannot understand what she is saying....she is on a speaker phone and she either is to close or to far away but you still hear her voice and the excitement she is sharing.

It will be fun to have her and Ben together when he arrives in July. Everything is going fine with her pregnancy so far so we pray that continues for the duration.

Leo is recovering from his ear surgery. The anesthesia has thrown him for a complete loop. He is very subdued and quiet which is a little out of the norm for him. Hopefully this will correct the infection and hearing problems with him. I would think with all the crap they took out he should be hearing a whole new world. They said it would be like trying to hear underwater. Poor dog, no wonder he acts the way he does.

Drama, drama, drama- Yesterday was quite an eye opening experience. Wedding and engagement are off, boyfriend girlfriend spending weekends together, and then a choice.

Lets you know life has gone on in the past, will go on today, and also in the future.

You don't get married just to see what it is like. You don't screw every boyfriend just to see if you like him and it.

The Walker Kids

I look at these kids with love and admiration. They have had so much go wrong in their life yet they are filled with so much joy and with such a zeal and love of life. You wonder how they do it sometimes but then all I have to do is think of their mom Beth and I know where it comes from. She was a one of a kind person and she got everything she could out of life and I think she has passed that gift on to her kids.

I guess I am using my blog as a rant post. Their dad has decided to play his usual

Jack -in -the -Box father thing and it makes me angry. This man has ignored these kids for the better part of 5 years. He has ignored almost everything these kids have done, for example both the girls high school graduations, Robin's college graduation, his son spending a month or so in the hospital, and I could keep going forever. Promises he made but never keep though he has a million excuses why. This man makes me more angry than almost anyone else. Only the pathetic people who write hate letters to the Anen. moms makes me more pissed off.

As his middle daughter Janine told Buck and I, "the thought of hugging me father makes me sick. I don't want to look at him." She is struggling with writing a letter to let him know just how much he has hurt her. I wish I could write the letter for her because I wouldn't hold back anything. But I do have to remember he is there Father. He is blood. He is Family. He doesn't deserve to be called a Dad because he doesn't do the things a Dad does with his kids. He is there Father only because it takes sperm to create a baby!!!

That F*&_&&G bastard doesn't deserve to see the kids. He chose to run out on them and let them up here for the rest of the world to take care of. Beth had laid great groundwork for the care of her kids after she passed but damnit a decent father would have said I WANT MY KIDS WITH ME. There is no way in the world my kids would have been raised by random strangers. But I guess that is where he and I differ so much. I would die for my kids and he wouldn't. I see my 2 sons as my most important possessions here on earth and there spouses and children the same. I cannot imagine my life without my kids in it. Now we have come to love Beth's kids. Robin, Janine, and JJ. To me they are our children on loan from Beth till we all cross over into heaven. I hope I can look her in the eye and tell her I did the best I could to love them and protect them and help them make a good life for themselves. Are Buck and I perfect? Oh heck no. It is tough ....they were young adults when they came here. But we have tried and that is more than I can say for there Father.

He was a great sperm donor: they are smart, good-looking, good kids. But his part of getting the kids to where they are today ended there. BETH did a great job raising them to the day she passed but there father always took the easy way out. At 50 or there abouts he ran back to mommy and daddy to take care of him and to get the hell away from his kids and paying child support. Dear God, this man makes me so angry. He should have been the one holding his kids when they cried themselves to sleep after Beth passed. He should have been the one they talked to about college and growing up. He wants to reappear after a 5 year retreat. NONONONONO

STAY THE HELL AWAY- they are far better off without him in there life. They don't need to hear false promises and get token gifts and then have you run back to Florida and forget about them till a time that you deem necessary to reappear. He always uses alcohol as an excuse. He is an adult, he made the choice that a bottle of liquor was more important than his own flesh and blood. Doug, when are you gonna grow up and talk responsibility for the choices you have made. You have cheated your kids out of so much. Your kids make better day to day choices than you do. You think phone calls makes up for yoou not being here? Get real, you should have found a way to see your kids.

I look at the above pictures and I just keep thinking , HOW? How could you walk away from your kids. It just doesn't make any sense. At least with JJ and Justine I can understand their thought processes when they put their baby daughter up for adoption. They were way to young to try and raise a baby on their own and make a good life for all of them. They found a great couple looking for children and it seems Claire will enjoy everything that a child is entitled to have. Mainly, a mom and dad who will love her and would lay down there life for their her.

My advice to the kids on there father would be to take your time if you want to establish a longterm relationship with him. It is easy to talk the talk of saying you'll be there.....but I think be there for what....your kids are about to be all grown up and in college or just starting a new career. You want to come into there lives now that the "hard" part is over. You don't deserve these kids. You don't deserve to walk your daughters down the aisle or stand by your son when he takes a wife. You haven't earned the right to have them in your life. They don't need to be hurt yet again but one of your promises unfulfilled. Beth is still a far better parent to these kids and she passed away nearly 3 years ago. Her memories and the example of her life lived are a far better daily reminder to them than you who are a living breathing person!

At this point in time I cannot forgive you. Everything you put Beth through and everything you have put your kids through deems that at this point in time I cannot and will not. Maybe this makes me a bad person but I cannot sit back and watch you hurt these kids yet again.

They do not deserve it. You do not deserve to be a part of these kids life. You've done nothing but hirt them. Over and over and over and over and over. I hope they all tell you to stay the hell away from them.

The Eagle Part 2

Buck wrote the following:

Today I watched an eagle fly. And for just a while, time stood still…
It dawned on me today that I had never seen an eagle in the wild. In our home we have pictures of eagles in zoos we have visited. I have seen hundreds of movies where an eagle soared gracefully over a majestic landscape. But in spite of an early childhood in a rural Ohio county, in spite of numerous trips through Kentucky and Tennessee and in spite of a couple of trips to the Rocky Mountain States, I could never recall seeing an eagle in the wild. I have thought I saw eagles in the past, but inevitably it was always a buzzard or in a couple of cases simply a large hawk. I know the difference between buzzards, hawks and eagles. But in my desperation to see an eagle, I saw eagles when there were none.
For some reason it bothered me.
I don’t know why my birding failure was so important today. I have plenty of other things to worry about. My wife has started referring to our dream house as the money pit. Her nickname may have something to do with the need to replace the roof, clean out the septic system, haul in sand for the pond, remove trees that were threatening to find their way into the living room and the need to buy something to mow the lawn-all 6 acres of it. It may have something to do with the lousy economy that will result in a substantial drop in my income. It may have something to do with the fact that college debts are not being paid as quickly as we had hoped or the fact Becky is driving a car that recently celebrated its tenth year of service. There are far more important things going on than eagles.
We have so many things to do there was no time to be bird brained today.
We are building a crib for our grandson who will arrive in July. We really want to build a bed for Arabella, help Adam finish his home remodeling, build his custom bathroom vanity and finally, yes finally, finish the under-stair cabinets at Luke’s place. And then we still have that pesky little issue called moving a household that over the past 28 years has grown roots in Findlay. Oh yeah, we need to get the Findlay house ready to sell during the worst real estate market in 30 years. If you want to know why the economy melted down don’t listen to the talking heads on TV. The truth is it all started last year after Becky and I decided to take a chance and buy a home we fell in love with. Yep, it is all our fault. If we would have just accepted the fact we were destined to live in an area where it seems like registered sex offenders outnumber married couples the economy would have been OK. We dared to think we could have something better and you can see what happened. I wonder if we qualify for any of that stimulus money being thrown around?
There are far more pressing things going on in our lives. Why eagles? Why today?
Today we were on the road, driving to the funeral service for our great niece. Carleigh wasn’t given much chance of survival months ago when Holly was just 4 or 5 months pregnant but her parents did everything they could in the hopes of spending a precious minute or two with her. But it just wasn’t to be. Carleigh died a week ago during birth. We had been in the waiting area, hoping and praying the doctors would be wrong. Like everyone who knew the story, we were heartbroken and had spent the last week searching for a way to show our love, support our family and deal with our own grief. We did our best but we worried that we had failed at most of these. I had plenty of important things to worry about today.
But for some reason, never seeing an eagle remained of utmost importance to me. While driving to the church for the funeral I asked my son Lucas if he could ever remember seeing an eagle on any vacation we had taken. He told me he remembered seeing eagles in the zoo but never in the wild. He even offered to take me to the Columbus zoo so I could see just how big they were. I think he may have mistaken me for his 2 year old daughter.
At the church, before the service started today, I chatted nervously with John, my brother in law, about the eagles that supposedly live near the money pit. It turns out John is an eagle magnet of sorts. He had never seen one near our new home but he reported seeing a couple of them in the field behind my mother in laws house. One of the eagles was snacking on a ground hog John had shot a day or two earlier. He told me about another he had seen while he was out hunting coyotes. He also reported having seen them on several trips to the Lake Erie area. Why did that not surprise me? I am sure if the service hadn’t started John would have had time to tell me about the time an eagle landed on his shoulder and ate planters peanuts out of his hand. Yeah, I made up that part, but he has seen eagles and I haven’t. My cynicism is justified, if only in my own mind.
Once the funeral service started I put eagles out of my mind for a while. I had been given the honor of speaking to the congregation so my mind was busy with other things. I spoke of my regret that we would never know Carleigh. I reminded the gathered crowd of the faith that sustained our niece and her husband. I spoke of the choices they had made and the unselfish act of sharing their story with anyone interested. I told them love would sustain them if they let themselves love the life we all have. I wish I could say my words made a difference but I don’t know that any words can heal the pain of losing a child. We drove away from the service wishing we could have done more and knowing there was nothing else we could have done.
Since we had taken my mother in law with us to the service, we drove to her home in Carey. After she was safely in the house we decided against returning to Findlay right away and instead went to check out the action at the money pit. I may have talked to Becky about eagles on the drive there but I don’t remember for sure. I may not have because she has reported seeing eagles a couple of times while doing yard work there. Since I have spent as much time at our new home as she has and I have never seen an eagle, I tend to get upset about her bragging. Actually, she has never bragged, but she has seen an eagle and I haven’t. That is close enough in my book.
We started out working on separate tasks. I don’t know why, maybe we just needed some distance and time to ourselves. Sometimes Becky and I just need a little space. After a while I decided I should help her with cleaning the pond. Shortly after I got to the pond she pointed off in the southern sky. I could make out a bird flying toward us and at first I thought she was teasing me by pointing to a buzzard.
But I kept my eye on the bird as it approached the pond and as it banked away to the east. The white head of the large bird was clearly visible and while it wasn’t soaring like I had seen in the movies there was no question. It was an eagle, flapping its wings furiously, intent on getting somewhere I didn’t know.
Why did I see an eagle today? Was it simply a chance encounter after 40 years of looking? Was it a sign that I needn’t worry about the money pit, a sign that somehow everything would work out? Or was it a message telling me I worry too much, that I should enjoy the small wonders of the world around me? Could it have been something more?
As I stared in awe at the sight before me I remembered when I spoke at the funeral service today I lamented the fact that we didn’t have any shared memories of Carleigh. I said if we only had those memories I could talk about them and the winds of laughter could fill the room to carry her tiny spirit to heaven. I spoke of how those memories were denied us and we could be overwhelmed with sadness if we allowed it to happen. I told the congregation I couldn’t do that because today, no matter how sad, was a gift to be embraced by all of us.
I am not sure why, but just before I lost sight of that magnificent bird I laughed. It wasn’t much of a laugh, actually it was just the smallest of chuckles. But it was my own little addition to the breeze that was blowing today. And then I cried.
I don’t think I cried because I fear the financial hardships placed before me. Our relationship is strong. I know Becky and I can survive anything that comes our way. I don’t think I cried because my life seems so busy I can’t keep up with everything. What we don’t get done will wait, those who love us will understand.
I didn’t cry for Carleigh because I am certain she is in a better place.
I know I shed tears for her Mom and Dad, her extended family and so many others. I cried for my family and our loss. But mainly I cried because life is such a wonderful experience. Life is filled with miracles if we take the time to look for them. Tears fell for the many people who will never see the glorious bounty around us or in the air above.
Today I watched an eagle fly. And for just a while time stood still.