The Walker Kids

I look at these kids with love and admiration. They have had so much go wrong in their life yet they are filled with so much joy and with such a zeal and love of life. You wonder how they do it sometimes but then all I have to do is think of their mom Beth and I know where it comes from. She was a one of a kind person and she got everything she could out of life and I think she has passed that gift on to her kids.

I guess I am using my blog as a rant post. Their dad has decided to play his usual

Jack -in -the -Box father thing and it makes me angry. This man has ignored these kids for the better part of 5 years. He has ignored almost everything these kids have done, for example both the girls high school graduations, Robin's college graduation, his son spending a month or so in the hospital, and I could keep going forever. Promises he made but never keep though he has a million excuses why. This man makes me more angry than almost anyone else. Only the pathetic people who write hate letters to the Anen. moms makes me more pissed off.

As his middle daughter Janine told Buck and I, "the thought of hugging me father makes me sick. I don't want to look at him." She is struggling with writing a letter to let him know just how much he has hurt her. I wish I could write the letter for her because I wouldn't hold back anything. But I do have to remember he is there Father. He is blood. He is Family. He doesn't deserve to be called a Dad because he doesn't do the things a Dad does with his kids. He is there Father only because it takes sperm to create a baby!!!

That F*&_&&G bastard doesn't deserve to see the kids. He chose to run out on them and let them up here for the rest of the world to take care of. Beth had laid great groundwork for the care of her kids after she passed but damnit a decent father would have said I WANT MY KIDS WITH ME. There is no way in the world my kids would have been raised by random strangers. But I guess that is where he and I differ so much. I would die for my kids and he wouldn't. I see my 2 sons as my most important possessions here on earth and there spouses and children the same. I cannot imagine my life without my kids in it. Now we have come to love Beth's kids. Robin, Janine, and JJ. To me they are our children on loan from Beth till we all cross over into heaven. I hope I can look her in the eye and tell her I did the best I could to love them and protect them and help them make a good life for themselves. Are Buck and I perfect? Oh heck no. It is tough ....they were young adults when they came here. But we have tried and that is more than I can say for there Father.

He was a great sperm donor: they are smart, good-looking, good kids. But his part of getting the kids to where they are today ended there. BETH did a great job raising them to the day she passed but there father always took the easy way out. At 50 or there abouts he ran back to mommy and daddy to take care of him and to get the hell away from his kids and paying child support. Dear God, this man makes me so angry. He should have been the one holding his kids when they cried themselves to sleep after Beth passed. He should have been the one they talked to about college and growing up. He wants to reappear after a 5 year retreat. NONONONONO

STAY THE HELL AWAY- they are far better off without him in there life. They don't need to hear false promises and get token gifts and then have you run back to Florida and forget about them till a time that you deem necessary to reappear. He always uses alcohol as an excuse. He is an adult, he made the choice that a bottle of liquor was more important than his own flesh and blood. Doug, when are you gonna grow up and talk responsibility for the choices you have made. You have cheated your kids out of so much. Your kids make better day to day choices than you do. You think phone calls makes up for yoou not being here? Get real, you should have found a way to see your kids.

I look at the above pictures and I just keep thinking , HOW? How could you walk away from your kids. It just doesn't make any sense. At least with JJ and Justine I can understand their thought processes when they put their baby daughter up for adoption. They were way to young to try and raise a baby on their own and make a good life for all of them. They found a great couple looking for children and it seems Claire will enjoy everything that a child is entitled to have. Mainly, a mom and dad who will love her and would lay down there life for their her.

My advice to the kids on there father would be to take your time if you want to establish a longterm relationship with him. It is easy to talk the talk of saying you'll be there.....but I think be there for what....your kids are about to be all grown up and in college or just starting a new career. You want to come into there lives now that the "hard" part is over. You don't deserve these kids. You don't deserve to walk your daughters down the aisle or stand by your son when he takes a wife. You haven't earned the right to have them in your life. They don't need to be hurt yet again but one of your promises unfulfilled. Beth is still a far better parent to these kids and she passed away nearly 3 years ago. Her memories and the example of her life lived are a far better daily reminder to them than you who are a living breathing person!

At this point in time I cannot forgive you. Everything you put Beth through and everything you have put your kids through deems that at this point in time I cannot and will not. Maybe this makes me a bad person but I cannot sit back and watch you hurt these kids yet again.

They do not deserve it. You do not deserve to be a part of these kids life. You've done nothing but hirt them. Over and over and over and over and over. I hope they all tell you to stay the hell away from them.

The Eagle Part 2

Buck wrote the following:

Today I watched an eagle fly. And for just a while, time stood still…
It dawned on me today that I had never seen an eagle in the wild. In our home we have pictures of eagles in zoos we have visited. I have seen hundreds of movies where an eagle soared gracefully over a majestic landscape. But in spite of an early childhood in a rural Ohio county, in spite of numerous trips through Kentucky and Tennessee and in spite of a couple of trips to the Rocky Mountain States, I could never recall seeing an eagle in the wild. I have thought I saw eagles in the past, but inevitably it was always a buzzard or in a couple of cases simply a large hawk. I know the difference between buzzards, hawks and eagles. But in my desperation to see an eagle, I saw eagles when there were none.
For some reason it bothered me.
I don’t know why my birding failure was so important today. I have plenty of other things to worry about. My wife has started referring to our dream house as the money pit. Her nickname may have something to do with the need to replace the roof, clean out the septic system, haul in sand for the pond, remove trees that were threatening to find their way into the living room and the need to buy something to mow the lawn-all 6 acres of it. It may have something to do with the lousy economy that will result in a substantial drop in my income. It may have something to do with the fact that college debts are not being paid as quickly as we had hoped or the fact Becky is driving a car that recently celebrated its tenth year of service. There are far more important things going on than eagles.
We have so many things to do there was no time to be bird brained today.
We are building a crib for our grandson who will arrive in July. We really want to build a bed for Arabella, help Adam finish his home remodeling, build his custom bathroom vanity and finally, yes finally, finish the under-stair cabinets at Luke’s place. And then we still have that pesky little issue called moving a household that over the past 28 years has grown roots in Findlay. Oh yeah, we need to get the Findlay house ready to sell during the worst real estate market in 30 years. If you want to know why the economy melted down don’t listen to the talking heads on TV. The truth is it all started last year after Becky and I decided to take a chance and buy a home we fell in love with. Yep, it is all our fault. If we would have just accepted the fact we were destined to live in an area where it seems like registered sex offenders outnumber married couples the economy would have been OK. We dared to think we could have something better and you can see what happened. I wonder if we qualify for any of that stimulus money being thrown around?
There are far more pressing things going on in our lives. Why eagles? Why today?
Today we were on the road, driving to the funeral service for our great niece. Carleigh wasn’t given much chance of survival months ago when Holly was just 4 or 5 months pregnant but her parents did everything they could in the hopes of spending a precious minute or two with her. But it just wasn’t to be. Carleigh died a week ago during birth. We had been in the waiting area, hoping and praying the doctors would be wrong. Like everyone who knew the story, we were heartbroken and had spent the last week searching for a way to show our love, support our family and deal with our own grief. We did our best but we worried that we had failed at most of these. I had plenty of important things to worry about today.
But for some reason, never seeing an eagle remained of utmost importance to me. While driving to the church for the funeral I asked my son Lucas if he could ever remember seeing an eagle on any vacation we had taken. He told me he remembered seeing eagles in the zoo but never in the wild. He even offered to take me to the Columbus zoo so I could see just how big they were. I think he may have mistaken me for his 2 year old daughter.
At the church, before the service started today, I chatted nervously with John, my brother in law, about the eagles that supposedly live near the money pit. It turns out John is an eagle magnet of sorts. He had never seen one near our new home but he reported seeing a couple of them in the field behind my mother in laws house. One of the eagles was snacking on a ground hog John had shot a day or two earlier. He told me about another he had seen while he was out hunting coyotes. He also reported having seen them on several trips to the Lake Erie area. Why did that not surprise me? I am sure if the service hadn’t started John would have had time to tell me about the time an eagle landed on his shoulder and ate planters peanuts out of his hand. Yeah, I made up that part, but he has seen eagles and I haven’t. My cynicism is justified, if only in my own mind.
Once the funeral service started I put eagles out of my mind for a while. I had been given the honor of speaking to the congregation so my mind was busy with other things. I spoke of my regret that we would never know Carleigh. I reminded the gathered crowd of the faith that sustained our niece and her husband. I spoke of the choices they had made and the unselfish act of sharing their story with anyone interested. I told them love would sustain them if they let themselves love the life we all have. I wish I could say my words made a difference but I don’t know that any words can heal the pain of losing a child. We drove away from the service wishing we could have done more and knowing there was nothing else we could have done.
Since we had taken my mother in law with us to the service, we drove to her home in Carey. After she was safely in the house we decided against returning to Findlay right away and instead went to check out the action at the money pit. I may have talked to Becky about eagles on the drive there but I don’t remember for sure. I may not have because she has reported seeing eagles a couple of times while doing yard work there. Since I have spent as much time at our new home as she has and I have never seen an eagle, I tend to get upset about her bragging. Actually, she has never bragged, but she has seen an eagle and I haven’t. That is close enough in my book.
We started out working on separate tasks. I don’t know why, maybe we just needed some distance and time to ourselves. Sometimes Becky and I just need a little space. After a while I decided I should help her with cleaning the pond. Shortly after I got to the pond she pointed off in the southern sky. I could make out a bird flying toward us and at first I thought she was teasing me by pointing to a buzzard.
But I kept my eye on the bird as it approached the pond and as it banked away to the east. The white head of the large bird was clearly visible and while it wasn’t soaring like I had seen in the movies there was no question. It was an eagle, flapping its wings furiously, intent on getting somewhere I didn’t know.
Why did I see an eagle today? Was it simply a chance encounter after 40 years of looking? Was it a sign that I needn’t worry about the money pit, a sign that somehow everything would work out? Or was it a message telling me I worry too much, that I should enjoy the small wonders of the world around me? Could it have been something more?
As I stared in awe at the sight before me I remembered when I spoke at the funeral service today I lamented the fact that we didn’t have any shared memories of Carleigh. I said if we only had those memories I could talk about them and the winds of laughter could fill the room to carry her tiny spirit to heaven. I spoke of how those memories were denied us and we could be overwhelmed with sadness if we allowed it to happen. I told the congregation I couldn’t do that because today, no matter how sad, was a gift to be embraced by all of us.
I am not sure why, but just before I lost sight of that magnificent bird I laughed. It wasn’t much of a laugh, actually it was just the smallest of chuckles. But it was my own little addition to the breeze that was blowing today. And then I cried.
I don’t think I cried because I fear the financial hardships placed before me. Our relationship is strong. I know Becky and I can survive anything that comes our way. I don’t think I cried because my life seems so busy I can’t keep up with everything. What we don’t get done will wait, those who love us will understand.
I didn’t cry for Carleigh because I am certain she is in a better place.
I know I shed tears for her Mom and Dad, her extended family and so many others. I cried for my family and our loss. But mainly I cried because life is such a wonderful experience. Life is filled with miracles if we take the time to look for them. Tears fell for the many people who will never see the glorious bounty around us or in the air above.
Today I watched an eagle fly. And for just a while time stood still.

Lessons I have learned and More

I've Learned That :

1. You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes, after that you better know something.
2. We are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
3. You shouldn't compare yourself to the best that others can do.
4. That you can keep going long after you think youo can't
5. You should always leave loved ones with loving words, because someday it will be the last
time you see them.
6. Sometimes the people who you expect to kick you when your down turn out to be the ones who help you get back up.
7. Money is a lousy way to keep score.
8. Sometimes when I am angry I have a right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
9. Just becasue someone doesn't love yoou the way you want them to love you does not mean they do not love you.
10. Never tell a child that their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
11. No matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
12. Just becasue two people argue doesn't mean they do not love each other, and just because they argue doesn't mean they do.
13. Sometimes it is hard to draw the line to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings, and standing up for what is believe.
14. You shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
15. NO MATTER HOW BAD YOUR HEART IS BROKEN, The world doesn't stop for your grief.
16. Heros are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done regardless of the consequences.
17. Are backgrounds and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
18. It's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

My eldest son

Luke,

Your Dad and I are so proud of you. You are seeing the success of your hard work and the dedication you put into your job. Good things happen to good people.

A lot of doors are opening at once for you and I know you will make all the right choices. Never doubt that you can do the job and do it well. You have a lot more of your dad in you than youo think.

Even if all the doors for your job and future education were to close you still will have the two most important things in your life. Your wife, Angie, and your beautiful little girl, Arabella. Together with them there is nothing that you cannot get through.

You have so much to offer the kids you are working with. Hopefully they will take advantage of it and get there lives turned around to where they learn to make the better choice.

Hopefully you get a chance to come help put on the roof. I think Dad and I are staying over this week so we can move some beds over there so people ahve a place to crash.

The Eagle

After we got home from Carleigh's funeral we went to our house in Carey. I think we both just needed time to reflect on our own personal feelings from the day. We were standing up by the pond and I looked up into the sky and saw our bald eagle. I pointed it out to Buck and told him "There is your Eagle". Maybe it was Carleigh just letting us know her spirit is free now to soar to new heights and to let us know she is fine. It was cool cause the sun was setting and there was that pretty pinkish cast in the sky and the one lone Eagle soaring above us.

This picture I took when we went to the Toledo zoo. These are such majestic birds.

We are getting closer to the move to Carey. The house has kinda become the moneypit here lately but upkeep on a home can be that way. We've had to get a new roof, clean out the septic ssytem, work on making a swale in the yard to get rid of water that lays out in the yard, cut down 2 trees that were hazardous, and our next will be getting something to mow with. Obviously it will not be the tractor we wanted but that is fine. All things will come in there own time. I can mow with a push mower if that is what it takes to keep the yard mowed.

A few Weeks

It has been a while since I have posted. Just taken some time to try and sort through so much.

We were suppose to make it to a prayer service for my niece and her family. We got started and we never made it the rest of the way. Why? There are times when you start to do something for all the right reasons but it is wrong. To give a condensed version; one of the people with us felt they were being kidnapped to do something they had not totally agreed to. How do you force a person to do something their heart is not totally into. I was torn into. How do you force someone you are suppose to love and respect to do something they feel you tricked them into. I couldn't, and we didn't but ultimately it lead to what I feel was someone making all the right choices for all the right reasons. When you let someone come to their own decsions without forcing what you believe on them , they will make the right choices. It let me have some great conversation with my mom. In the end all she really wants is all of us to respect her enough to let her decide what she wants. She is an intelligent caring lady and we need to treat her in that way. She doesn't need to be told what to do and how to do it. I know I need to respect her right to believe as she does more. I have no right to force my beliefs and thoughts on her.

She went to Wilmington for the birth of her great grand daughter Carleigh. She went to show her love and support. It was a gift we could give to my brother and his family by having his mom there. I don't care how old we get we all need to know our parent/s love and support us in both the good times and the hurting times. Without anyone forcing her to be there she asked if she could ride along with my hubby and me. Of course we took her.

We had the opportunity to take her to the funeral also. Buck so enjoys chatting with my mom. Sometimes he picks on her but he really likes having her with us. I know she always feels like a 5th wheel but we don't look at it that way at all. Mom made all the right choices by showing her support for her son and his family. The difference is we allowed her to say I want to be there. NOBODY told her she had to do it and that is such a huge difference.

I saw so much positive come out of this past week but there will always be negative too. I cannot believe that two family members failed to go to either of the opportunities they had to show support. I cannot understand how you can not say or do something. But they are the ones who have to live with the choice they made and that is really what life comes down to. CHOICES. you live with the consequences.