“As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the word of the Lord: ‘I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold I will heal thee’ (2 Kings 20:5). Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord." { James Faust}



How true. We always search for reaons why things happen to either us or those we know. We try to make sense of it and figure out "why". As hard as we may work to find the answers to our questions in this life....we may have to be patient and wait till the next life to be given the answer as to why.

“We are limited in our visions. With our eyes we can see but a few miles. With our ears we can hear but a few years. We are encased, enclosed, as it were, in a room, but when our light goes out of this life, then we see beyond mortal limitations. …
“The walls go down, time ends and distance fades and vanishes as we go into eternity … and we immediately emerge into a great world in which there are no earthly limitations.”
What a comfort to know that there is more waiting for us on the other side of the veil. Though we may be parted in this earthly life there is so much more waiting to be enjoyed and experienced.
How sad for those who believe that this is all we get. This short time on earth. If this is it then why be good, why have faith. We might as well do whatever we can to enjoy the here and now no matter who we gotta crush down to do it. There would be no good or bad, right or wrong. Everything would be chaos [ kinda what were all experiencing right now].
Faith- believing in what we cannot see. It is so hard for so many people , including me. It's hard to keep the faith when nothing in your life seems to be going the way you want. If God is really there then why is he letting this bad stuff happen to you? With one touch of his hand he could make your world perfect again. When this doesn't happen the way you pray for it to then you think that God is angry with you or you did something to piss him off. The spiral affect begins. the disbelief starts eating away at your faith like a cancer. Goes back to my original question that started this blog "Why are we here?"

the rantings and ravings or .......

Wipe out the last post..

Great to have a computer and the ability to see that something really sucked so with one poke of a key 30 minutes worth of work disappears. I guess it's no different than scrunching up a piece of paper and chucking it into the vertical file.
I guess it goes to show what trying to write about family does to me...... a struggle with conflicting emotions.
Spent some time looking through journals from 8 years ago. What a dark blanket of oppression and depression I allowed myself to fall under. It is all to easy to get caught in that downward spiral. I liken it to the well you see in a mall where you put a coin in it and the coin spirals round and round till it drops into the bottom. Once the coin speeds up or in this case, me, how do you pull yourself out of the descent into total blackness. In my case I had a husband who walked beside me every step of the way. He was my best friend, my lover, my counselor. I got my strength through him. How blessed we are as woman and wives when we choose wisely our life partners.
Here, then, is a great truth I have learned through the trials I have endured and through reading scriptures and church writings. In the pain, the agony, and the endeavors of our life, we pass through the refiner’s fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives melt away like dross and this helps to make our faith bright, intact, and strong. In this way the divine image can be mirrored from the soul. It is through these purging trials that we become better acquainted with God. In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint whisperings of Jesus Christ. It seems we only truly want to listen to these whisperings when we have suffering in our life.
Into every life , yours, mine, and others we know, there come the painful, depressing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be more than our fair share of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. NOBODY has a free pass through this earthly life. The Apostle Paul referred to his own challenge: “And lest I should be exalted above measure … , there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me.” The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process. We know of many people who have fallen away from their faith and the church because they felt God was punishing them. They couldn't get past their anger and bitterness at God for not taking away those things that grieved them so much.
Said Alma, “A shepherd hath called after you and is still calling after you, but ye will not hearken unto his voice!” In our extremities, it is possible to become born again, born anew, renewed in heart and spirit. We no longer ride with the flow of the crowd, but instead we enjoy the promise of Isaiah to be renewed in our strength and “mount up with wings as eagles.”{ my favorite Bible Scripture} The proving of one’s faith goes before the witnessing, for Moroni testified, “Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” This trial of faith can become a priceless experience. It may make our pain and suffering seem unbearable, we may feel we can never get back to normal. But we can, we will, we must. We must hold onto our faith in the Lord. He truly is walking beside us every step of the way. It is up to us to reach out for his hand and let him guide us. The answer to our prrayers may not be immediate, it may come in those quiet whisperings;it may be days, weeks, or months after our supplications to our Lord are lifted towards heaven.
States Peter, “The trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.” Trials and adversity can be preparatory to becoming born anew.
Jesus Christ has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless. All of us suffer some injuries from experiences that seem to have no rhyme or reason. We cannot understand or explain them. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord. But because it happens, it must be endured. President Howard W. Hunter said that “God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see.” President Brigham Young offered this profound insight that at least some of our suffering has a purpose when he said: “Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered to come upon the few, to prepare them to enjoy the presence of the Lord. … Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation.” Out of the refiner’s fire can come a glorious deliverance. It can be a noble and lasting rebirth. The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually. Self-pity will vanish as our blessings are counted.
The blessings of eternity will surely come to those who endure refining, as the Lord Himself taught: “He only is saved who endureth unto the end.”

The need to write

Ive always written my thoughts down on something. Be it a scrap of paper or an actual journal. It provides an outlet for my frustrations, or creativity, or just to make sure I remember what happened on a cool day of activity.

I had mostly stopped writing anything but the 1or 2 times every three months that you feel like you have to do. And I felt that was lame enough that it was time to stop unless I had something profound to unveil to the world. LOLOLOO I never have anything profound to write about but going back through some old journals I cannot believe the hate and venom I had at the company where I was injured. I just shake my head that I had allowed my self to fall that far and to give them that much control over my life. It finally took my hubby sitting me down and explaining it patiently over and over again till it finally sunk in, and yes he was so very right.

I had allowed this company all the power and what was sad was I willingly gave it to them by not keep the control myself. It really has taught me the importance of thinking things through and not over-reacting to every situation before you. Thank-God one of my hubby"s famous lecture series sunk in.

I have decided I will continue to write. Hopefully on a daily basis. Again something that was sparked by Holly and Carleigh. 30-40 years from now maybe my grandkids would like to read about boring grandma and grandpa...or what things were like when there mom and dad were little.

Usually it only takes 15-20 minutes and that is such a short time to give up, I really have no good excuse.

Power of Prayer

I didn't always believe that prayers could be answered. I went through the daily and nightly ritual of offering up a few words. I didn't really think about what I was saying, just doing it because your suppose to and you feel like you have to.

I have come to realize that prayer is the most power tool we have in our possession. It can bring such knowledge, peace, hope, direction, help and comfort to our mind and heart. It helps so much on the long road to get to know Jesus Christ and our self. I've learned that it is much better to have a dialogue with God instead of a monologue........ if I spend time in letting him know I am thankful for all the blessings that he has given and also letting him know of my needs and wants, it is much easier to see his answers in the various situations that arise in my life.
PRAYER IS POWER. Praying does more than just give us rest when we are weary. It gives us comfort no matter what circumstances we are going through in our lives.
We all need to learn to endure. Everyone always sees the word endure and it begins to take on a negative connotation. But enduring us really just the will to move forward with conviction and purpose under whatever circumstances we might be facing in our life.
I have found in my life we will always need comfort. I believe that is why God has given us the Holy Ghost. He knew that at all times every human would need to feel that constant comforter. What exactly is comfort? Is it the hugs and words of encouragement we get from friends and loved ones when we are going through sad times? I believe it is that and more. It is also the help and support we get in all walks and times of life. Comfort gives us a chance to share solace, consolation, and freedom from pain, want, or any other affliction we or our friends may be facing. It helps each of us steady our course in life when the unwanted and unexplained seems to surface and shackle us.
Probably the most important thing I learned from my injury and getting around it [ I am still trying to get through it} is perspective. I liked to get angry at my former employer and God and blame them for everything rotten that was going on in my life. My Hubby, the wonderful man that he is, would patiently explain{and lecture} about the need for me to understand that I had all the control over the situation. By getting angry and pissed off I was giving the employer and the injury all the control. It took awhile for it all to sink in but I finally realized he was right. I control whether or not I was happy or mad. I had the power and when I did the other I was just handing it over to others to decide how my life was going to go.
Facing life one day at a time is a challenge. I have a choice to make: either I can go through this life being happy, knowing that God knows my needs, or I can be miserable, by shutting him and his influence out of my life. I have found that for me; with my faith, my family, and my friends I can find my way to make the journey a much happier one. I can draw from them the strength I need to do whatever is expected of me. Without them I fail.
Comfort is a process. It comes by the hour, the day, the week, and the month. Comfort results from carrying on, not nursing wounds and Prayer is the means to comfort the soul under all circumstances.
Even with the best laid plans and good intentions, challenges and trials are bound to come into every life. When they do, let us not ask, Why did this happen to me? Rather, let us replace that question of despair with: What does this situation require of me?

"A Psalm of Life" states:
Not enjoyment, and not sorrow
Is our destined end or way;
But to Act that each tomorrow
Finds us further than today.

Carleigh's kick

It was so cool. Holly allowed me to feel Carleigh Kicking around in her tummy. It was just an indescribable experience. It's such a heart tugging thing. I'm so incapable of expressing how I feel both for Holly and Anthony and for Carleigh. I so wish they didn't have to go through this trial with Carleigh. I honestly don't think I could do it and then do it with the faith and love they both still exhibit. I just don't think I could be so strong.
So back to Holly's blog on what we have learned from Carleigh; just the faith to hold onto what you truly believe in, that even though the trials you go through are so very hard, you still hold onto what is true and right. It just adds to the list of things I am learning or re-evaluating in my life. So she touches me daily. It's hard to believe that an unborn baby can affect so many people in so many different ways.
Some people may still hold to the thought that Anthony and Holly should have terminated the pregnancy when they found out that Carleigh was affected with anencephaly but those are the people who fail to see beyond the defect, beyond what is on the surface. Those people need to really sit back and take inventory of their lives. Is what appears to look good or be "normal" that important that we forget or go against what we know is right? You cannot say you believe one thing and then go ahead and do something else.
Another little Carleighism: a new name for the things she teaches me- Don't say you believe one way but do or say something totally different just because it is what everyone else is doing or believing. Hold to the Truth.
Again a huge thanks to Holly { and Carleigh} for allowing me to feel little Carleigh ,letting me know she is here and quite the little fighter.

Carleigh

My heart hurts for you. How we all wish the healing hand of God would reach out to you and bring you to our family whole. But we also understand that sometimes prayers are not answered the way we want them to be. That doesn't mean that God has not heard, just the answer is not what we prayed for.
What she teaches us everyday is amazing. We have our life, we can do whatever we choose, what are we waiting for. WE HAVE what we pray for each day for Carleigh. We are whole and we will live. Maybe her lesson to all of us is to not waste our todays and tomorrows. Live each moment, each hour, each day to the fullest. We are capable of the impossible but afraid to do it.

Truth Be Told

I know that we all face struggles and challenges in our life. Nobody gets the free pass through it.
Death, illness, divorce, addictions, abuse, and the list could go on and on. Where does it end and Truth be Told it will never end. It is that circle of life we all must pass through whether our journey is but a moment or it last 100+ years. We begin to die the moment we take our first breath of life. That is just the way it is. We can either kick and scream the whole way through or we can enjoy all that is offered to us.
My list of what I call "Cry and Whine" is fairly extensive. I have the excuse to cry that life sucks and God hates me and why do all the bad things happen to me, but again, I know that through all these trials and struggles, if I face them and learn from them and through them I will come out the other side a better person. Someone who can help someone else who is just beginning their own walk down the road of bittersweet.
I rarely share one life event just because it is better left in the past. It made me question a LOT of things. Trust, trust, control, .....like I said better left in the far corner of the basement of my life. The other was the back injury. I've learned to not let those things control who and what I am. They are a part of me but they are not the defining parts of me that others get to know. Most don't even know, thats the way I want it to be. By dwelling on these things it's just to easy to get on the self-pity, depression, anger carousel and that is something that is really tough to get off of and out from underneath.
We all have to go through the fires of life. Some of these life tests are much hotter than others and appear to be a lot more unfair. We question how a God who is suppose to love us can allow us to "suffer". Free will allows us all to make good or bad choices and the results of those choices can have catastrophic effects on those around us when poor decisions are made.

I had to give a talk in my church shortly after I returned from California. The surgeries in San Francisco gave me back a small portion of ME. For that I am eternally grateful. The blessing I received before going to California promised me the healing hand of God and I believe in that so much. That in a small way God touched the surgeons hands and helped him salvage my spine.My talk follows below.
Ask and you shall receive. Pray with a pure heart and your request will be granted. God will never abandon you. I have heard these and similar statements my entire life. More so since I joined this church 15 years ago. I want to share my experiences in regards to these words and prayers. In D&C 46:30 it reads: he that asketh in the spirit asketh according to the will of God; wherefore it is done even as he asketh. In the book of James 1:5, a verse most of us can recite by memory, reads: If any of you lack wisdom let him ask of God that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him.
Like everyone of my generation, I’ve accumulated a pretty extensive set of experiences where the words above should have applied. Death has claimed several loved ones in my family and I’ve witnessed the passing of dear friends. We’ve suffered a few financial hardships. My children have stumbled and failed at times. I prayed during these events and the fact that I am here today is proof I made it through the challenges. But I didn’t make it through unscathed.

When my young nephew Brett passed away I wanted more than anything for God to provide a miracle. I prayed with a pure heart for a miracle. Brett was only 3 years old. In my mind if anyone deserved a marvelous work it was Brett. The miracle I prayed for never happened. After his funeral I didn’t pray for miracles for a long time. I prayed for wisdom, guidance and insight. I prayed that I could make it through the deaths of Grandparents, my mother-in-law and even more young nephews. I prayed that those I loved would be comforted in their grief. But I didn’t pray for miracles. I should have sought the comfort of 2 Nephi 26:15 : which reads “the prayers of the Faithful shall be heard.”
Looking back I can see I didn’t really believe in miracles anymore. I didn’t really believe I could ‘ask and receive’. I didn’t want to invoke the wrath of God by saying he had abandoned me, but I was pretty sure he was too busy to bother with my needs.

I became even more cynical about 3 1/2 years ago when I was injured in an accident at work. Bending over to pick up a stupid box I damaged several disks in my back. Had I been injured in a car accident, hurt on the basketball floor, or even in the weight room I may have been able to accept the injury better. Getting hurt doing what everyone does in everyday life was a tremendous blow to my ego. I took great pride in my physical condition. At that time I could still compete with college girls on the basketball floor. My heart rate was in the same range as world-class athletes. This kind of injury couldn’t happen to me. It happened to other people. I was too young to be struck down with an injury like this. I was only 38.
I went through the medical mill of chiropractors, orthopedic surgeons, neurosurgeons and even the Director of Spinal Disorders at the world renowned Cleveland Clinic. I saw technicians and pain management specialists. I was referred to psychiatrists and psychologists. I have had so many injections into my spine that I’ve lost count. I spent countless hours on the internet researching my condition and remedies. And for the first time in many years, I prayed for a miracle. For a while I attended church without fail, thinking that maybe my lack of commitment was the reason I had been injured. I received priesthood blessings prior to each surgery, hoping that in his mercy, God would grant me freedom from daily pain. My miracle never happened. On the contrary, it seemed like God had decided to heap frustration, anger and anxiety on me. I should have had faith in the scripture in John 14: 18 “I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you.” But I had lost faith in God and the church. I got caught up on the merry-go-round of depression and anger. I had had 3 surgeries with no resolution to the constant pain in my back and legs. I couldn’t begin to understand why God chose me to heap all this suffering on.
2 Thessalonians reads: Which is a manifest token of the righteous judgment of God, that ye may be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you also suffer. D&C section 24 verse 8 reads “Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many, but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of days.” I wasn’t ready yet to accept what was happening. I wanted that miracle, I wanted to be whole again.
The physical pain I faced each day was only magnified by the actions of my employer. They have decided to take the opposing position regarding my injury. They have fought every bill and every course of treatment I have had. They didn’t offer any alternatives except the Human Resources Manager that told me to take a week off ‘to get my back in shape again’. No one could have selected a worse environment to put me in. Their approach to the injury was equivalent to putting me in a mental prison with no outside windows. I am a great competitor, but the court of law has endless do-overs. I need to win or lose, but in this game if you lose you just appeal the decision. I was almost convinced God had abandoned me. It’s the only thing that made any sense.

Last November my father passed away unexpectedly. By this time I was taking pills to manage the pain, wearing patches to help manage pain, pills to enhance my mood, pills to get to sleep, and pills to wake up. There were no less then 12 different medications that my Dr.’s had me on. Needless to say there were times when I got the medications mixed up. But even without mixing them up I was just a walking zombie. I didn’t care about anything but the relief of my pain. It became all-consuming. Many people commented that I wasn’t really at the funeral at all, meaning that the drugs kept me from experiencing the moment. That may have been true, but no amount of drugs could have curbed my anger. I felt God had singled me out for undeserved punishment. I remember asking my husband ‘Where is my church and all the help I’m supposed to be getting?’ He apologized for not calling my friends in the ward on my behalf, but his words meant nothing. I didn’t want to hear anything but the angry voice inside me.
To make matters worse, the gentleman who was scheduled to conduct the funeral service decided he wouldn’t do it after all. He didn’t give any real reason except that he was uncomfortable with the music and words of the song “Amazing Grace”. Worst of all, he didn’t bother to call until 8:00 the night before the funeral. It was probably my darkest hour. My Mom was extremely upset and didn’t know where to turn. But somehow I knew what to do. I called Bishop Parker and asked if he could help us out of the difficult situation. Here was Bishop Parker faced with getting a talk together in less than 12 hours for a man he never knew. But he never wavered in his decision to give the eulogy. He has been there every time my family has needed him. What a wonderful example he sets for all the members of the church.
Ask and you shall receive. The words were never more true. I have no idea how many phone calls were made, how many schedules were changed, how many lives were disrupted. I only know that several members of this ward were in Carey the day of my father’s funeral. They brought the spirit and love of the church with them. They demonstrated the power of God’s love and mercy. The service was a blessing for my entire family. I saw that God hadn’t abandoned me, he was just a phone call away.

In March, after much research and prayer, I decided to proceed with treatment that several experts strongly advised against. I received a priestly blessing, and then I went to San Francisco for additional work on my back. The procedure was difficult and required me to have 2 separate surgeries. The first surgery took place on Good Friday and involved working on my spine from the front. Dr. Light took bone from my hip and grafted it in 2 locations on the front of my spine. The next surgery was scheduled for the following Monday, meaning I would have to spend Saturday and Sunday in the Intensive Care Unit.
Saturday and Sunday night, just prior to the second surgery I was exposed to a nurse who loved to comment on my course of treatment. I heard him discussing my case with another. He said there was a 50% chance I would die on the operating table. He couldn’t understand how a husband could put his wife through so much. He talked about the negative implications of my surgery for so long I convinced myself I shouldn’t have the second surgery. Monday, I called my husband at 6:00am and told him to get me discharged. I was in a complete panic and anxiety attack. I was afraid I would die. I was never more afraid of anything in my life as the thought of going through with the 2nd surgery. The entire operating crew was prepped and ready, they just didn’t have a patient. My husband and another nurse finally got me to agree to proceed. I thought of the scripture Phillippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengthenth me.”
As I was being wheeled to the operating room I prayed for a miracle. I asked God to allow my deceased Father to be with me. I needed the peace of mind that only my Dad could give me.
Ask and you shall receive. My prayer was answered. I looked up prior to the surgery to see my Dad standing between Dr. Light, the neurosurgeon and Dr. Avery, his assistant. I knew everything would work out OK then. After the surgery, I saw my Dad again. He had been with me the entire operation. John 14:18 reads “I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you.”
When I woke up after the surgery I realized that not only had our Heavenly Father answered my prayer for my Dad to comfort me, he granted blessings also. The constant pain in my left leg and feet that had been with me for the past 2 ½ years was gone. The continual stabbing pain in my lower back was gone. My surgeon was a very highly skilled professional with over 4,000 back surgeries to his credit. But I’m convinced he had the support of our Heavenly Father and performed a miracle of his own. The Blessings given By Bishop Parker and his Father-in-law here in Findlay were with Dr. Light each time I went into surgery in California. Certainly I have pain right now, but it lessens each day. I am certain that as I continue my recovery from the surgery I will be blessed with the best life has to offer.

I know some people will choose to believe I didn’t truly see my father that day. They will say I just wanted to see him so I called up a memory and placed that memory in the present day. Some will say the lack of wings or a halo-like glow around him proves that I was hallucinating or that the drugs were acting upon me. Some who share the beliefs of the man who was scheduled to conduct my father’s funeral service will say it is simply impossible that my father joined me because they can read in the Bible that it isn’t true. I also know that some people will say a surgeon with so much experience doesn’t need any help in the operating room. They will say that his skill alone has granted me relief from the pain. They can believe whatever they want. I know what I saw. I know how I feel today. I know God will never abandon me. I know prayers are answered. I know miracles do happen.
I have a long way to go yet. I face a year of rehabilitation before I find out how much of my life I will get back. I face another year or two or more, of court room antics by lawyers on retainers. I have no idea how these things will turn out, but I do know this church is true. I know God and his Son Jesus Christ do exist and they hear and answer our prayers.

Not everyone finds comfort in the scriptures, the don't believe in something they cannot see. but for me all the answers are there and with prayer you get the answers you need to support and sustain you. I am not a bible thumping holier that thou person. Most people probably couldn't tell you what religion I even am. Maybe that is an area I need to improve on, not be afraid to tell others that I do believe in the power of our Heavenly Father and his Son Jesus Christ. They are but a prayer away.

My husband wrote the following for my niece. She is going through a pregnancy where the end result is going to be the death of their daughter Carleigh. It has been this event in her life that has made me decide to take an account of my own life. Holly is showing such a strength in her faith and I have to wonder if under the same circumstances I would be so strong.
A Mother’s Love
I will never understand the love a Mother has for her children. Today I have finally accepted it is simply beyond my ability to comprehend.
Like so many of us I took advantage of my Mom as a child, and given the gift of hindsight, I probably even did that as an adult. Mom was always there looking out for me. It wasn’t until her final moments that I thought about how much she had done for me. In those precious few minutes it dawned on me that I would never understand why she cared as she did, why she put up with all my mistakes, why she loved me as much as she loved all her other children. She died with me never understanding the love of my Mother.
I was equally dumbfounded later in life when a family heirloom that meant the world to me seemed to have slipped through my fingers once again. Yet there is a lamp in our house today that serves as a constant reminder a Mothers love is not limited to those children she bears. Why was I the one blessed with this special act of kindness? After all these years, words still fail to describe the emotion of that moment. And it convinced me all the more I will never understand the love of a Mother.
Even when I watched my wife and the interaction she had with our sons, I couldn't understand the love of a Mother. Those boys drove me nuts but Becky persevered. I remember when teen choices drove a wedge between father and son, Mom was there making sure the wounded family ties were repaired. While I felt a huge sense of loss when they left our house and later when they married, Becky didn’t waste any time welcoming 2 wonderful young ladies into our lives. When I was convinced I should have done more, Becky knew we had done all that was needed to prepare our sons to lead their own households. How did she know? Why was she right every time? I have no idea. But it pretty much proved beyond any doubt I am incapable of understanding the love of a Mother.
Today I am confronted once more with my inability to grasp the enormity of a Mother’s love. Holly, our sweet little Holly, hesitated not one second when asked if she wanted to carry a child that would not look like other children. She was told her baby would not live as long as other babies are expected to live. She would never see her baby leave for the first day of school, go on her first date, or share that special day when wedding rings marked a new chapter in the lives of everyone who loved her baby girl. But Holly never wavered in her decision. In spite of the hardship, or maybe because of it, she chose to continue a bittersweet pregnancy that tore out the hearts of those who thought they knew what was best for her. I was one of those people.
Holly was not ready for this. It was just yesterday that I watched her and Katrina playing in a small wading pool with my sons. Just yesterday she fell asleep in my lap after a long day of boating and many failed attempts at water skiing. Just yesterday she was a busy athlete on the track and field team, a goofy acting teenager racing to embrace the promise of tomorrow. Just yesterday she married and with Anthony began a family.
It was just yesterday. I was there. I know she was not ready for this.
Yet what I know is not what I see because there stands Holly, glowing only as a happy mother-to-be can. There is Holly, smiling and reassuring all of us she is fine, that she knows this is the right choice. There is Holly, inspiring those who doubted, giving us the strength to carry on. At a time when she should be leaning on us she is instead the crutch a family depends on. How can she do that? Where does she find the strength? She has reminded me once again I will never understand the love of a Mother.
I deeply regret that I will never know little Carleigh. I would like to watch her grow and see her listen in wide-eyed wonder as I argue with her grandma about whether she looks more like her Mom or more like her Dad. I would like to hear her laugh when I tell stories of her Mom as a toddler and teen.
I would like to tell her what a wonderful Mom she has.
But somehow, I think she already knows all the things I would like to tell her. And I suspect she knows even more because I am certain she understands the one thing I never will: the love of a Mother.
I hesitate to speak of God because I know so little and others are far more qualified than I am to speak of his love for us. But instead of wondering why this happened I choose to believe in his wisdom. I choose to believe that He knew Holly was the best choice to be the Mother of one of his most precious children. I choose to believe that he knew Carliegh would be safe and warm and loved. Seeing the smile of our young Mommy-to-be I know it was the right choice.
I may never understand the love of a mother but today I understand the love of our Father just a little better. He sees what we can’t see. He knows what we don’t know. He understands what I don’t, the love of a Mother.
WH 2009

Why

Sometimes you have to wonder why things happen to you. You get that feeling that no one but you ever goes through bad things or tough times. God must not like you and you wonder why he keeps picking on you!!!

Our family is going through one of those times right now. My niece is carrying a precious little baby that she and her hubby know will die at birth or shortly there after. They were given the opportunity to terminate her life and start all over. But they made the choice to give there baby whatever chance of life she has by carrying her to term. What faith they are showing all of us by traveling down the road of bittersweet. To feel your child move inside of you and know as long as she is in you she is safe and alive but the minute she has to begin the birthing process she begins her own death.

I admire their courage and compassion. Especially when so many would have terminated the life of their "handicapped" child. For me it's this one main thing; God sent her to you this way for a reason. It is not necessarily ours to understand the why's and things like that but we can learn from her. We all have lessons to learn, weaknesses and strengths to deal with and Carleigh's lesson to us may be that however short and brief something is, we need to cherish it and grab onto that minute or hour and get all that we can from it. That we shouldn't take life for granted and the people that are in our circle. Life is this fragile thread that we need to nurture and guard.

I know Holly asked all of us what we are learning from Carleigh and to post our thoughts. So I decided to blog my thoughts instead. She has made me begin to go through my own life and look and all the people who have touched my life. Have I ever thanked the teachers who took the extra time to help me learn something, thank the coach who got me through a tough practice or game, the college professor who gave me good advice, we all have people who have gone beyond the call and helped us, but have we ever thanked them or told them that that little act of kindness they showed to us meant everything to us. The opportunities I have had to help someone, did I do all that I could have? Carleigh is helping me to learn to see the moment that is right in front of me. I am only going to have this one chance to make the most of today. I cannot worry about yesterday, it is time past, and I cannot worry about tomorrow because that time is not yet begun.