Truth Be Told

I know that we all face struggles and challenges in our life. Nobody gets the free pass through it.
Death, illness, divorce, addictions, abuse, and the list could go on and on. Where does it end and Truth be Told it will never end. It is that circle of life we all must pass through whether our journey is but a moment or it last 100+ years. We begin to die the moment we take our first breath of life. That is just the way it is. We can either kick and scream the whole way through or we can enjoy all that is offered to us.
My list of what I call "Cry and Whine" is fairly extensive. I have the excuse to cry that life sucks and God hates me and why do all the bad things happen to me, but again, I know that through all these trials and struggles, if I face them and learn from them and through them I will come out the other side a better person. Someone who can help someone else who is just beginning their own walk down the road of bittersweet.
I rarely share one life event just because it is better left in the past. It made me question a LOT of things. Trust, trust, control, .....like I said better left in the far corner of the basement of my life. The other was the back injury. I've learned to not let those things control who and what I am. They are a part of me but they are not the defining parts of me that others get to know. Most don't even know, thats the way I want it to be. By dwelling on these things it's just to easy to get on the self-pity, depression, anger carousel and that is something that is really tough to get off of and out from underneath.
We all have to go through the fires of life. Some of these life tests are much hotter than others and appear to be a lot more unfair. We question how a God who is suppose to love us can allow us to "suffer". Free will allows us all to make good or bad choices and the results of those choices can have catastrophic effects on those around us when poor decisions are made.

I had to give a talk in my church shortly after I returned from California. The surgeries in San Francisco gave me back a small portion of ME. For that I am eternally grateful. The blessing I received before going to California promised me the healing hand of God and I believe in that so much. That in a small way God touched the surgeons hands and helped him salvage my spine.My talk follows below.
Ask and you shall receive. Pray with a pure heart and your request will be granted. God will never abandon you. I have heard these and similar statements my entire life. More so since I joined this church 15 years ago. I want to share my experiences in regards to these words and prayers. In D&C 46:30 it reads: he that asketh in the spirit asketh according to the will of God; wherefore it is done even as he asketh. In the book of James 1:5, a verse most of us can recite by memory, reads: If any of you lack wisdom let him ask of God that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him.
Like everyone of my generation, I’ve accumulated a pretty extensive set of experiences where the words above should have applied. Death has claimed several loved ones in my family and I’ve witnessed the passing of dear friends. We’ve suffered a few financial hardships. My children have stumbled and failed at times. I prayed during these events and the fact that I am here today is proof I made it through the challenges. But I didn’t make it through unscathed.

When my young nephew Brett passed away I wanted more than anything for God to provide a miracle. I prayed with a pure heart for a miracle. Brett was only 3 years old. In my mind if anyone deserved a marvelous work it was Brett. The miracle I prayed for never happened. After his funeral I didn’t pray for miracles for a long time. I prayed for wisdom, guidance and insight. I prayed that I could make it through the deaths of Grandparents, my mother-in-law and even more young nephews. I prayed that those I loved would be comforted in their grief. But I didn’t pray for miracles. I should have sought the comfort of 2 Nephi 26:15 : which reads “the prayers of the Faithful shall be heard.”
Looking back I can see I didn’t really believe in miracles anymore. I didn’t really believe I could ‘ask and receive’. I didn’t want to invoke the wrath of God by saying he had abandoned me, but I was pretty sure he was too busy to bother with my needs.

I became even more cynical about 3 1/2 years ago when I was injured in an accident at work. Bending over to pick up a stupid box I damaged several disks in my back. Had I been injured in a car accident, hurt on the basketball floor, or even in the weight room I may have been able to accept the injury better. Getting hurt doing what everyone does in everyday life was a tremendous blow to my ego. I took great pride in my physical condition. At that time I could still compete with college girls on the basketball floor. My heart rate was in the same range as world-class athletes. This kind of injury couldn’t happen to me. It happened to other people. I was too young to be struck down with an injury like this. I was only 38.
I went through the medical mill of chiropractors, orthopedic surgeons, neurosurgeons and even the Director of Spinal Disorders at the world renowned Cleveland Clinic. I saw technicians and pain management specialists. I was referred to psychiatrists and psychologists. I have had so many injections into my spine that I’ve lost count. I spent countless hours on the internet researching my condition and remedies. And for the first time in many years, I prayed for a miracle. For a while I attended church without fail, thinking that maybe my lack of commitment was the reason I had been injured. I received priesthood blessings prior to each surgery, hoping that in his mercy, God would grant me freedom from daily pain. My miracle never happened. On the contrary, it seemed like God had decided to heap frustration, anger and anxiety on me. I should have had faith in the scripture in John 14: 18 “I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you.” But I had lost faith in God and the church. I got caught up on the merry-go-round of depression and anger. I had had 3 surgeries with no resolution to the constant pain in my back and legs. I couldn’t begin to understand why God chose me to heap all this suffering on.
2 Thessalonians reads: Which is a manifest token of the righteous judgment of God, that ye may be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you also suffer. D&C section 24 verse 8 reads “Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many, but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of days.” I wasn’t ready yet to accept what was happening. I wanted that miracle, I wanted to be whole again.
The physical pain I faced each day was only magnified by the actions of my employer. They have decided to take the opposing position regarding my injury. They have fought every bill and every course of treatment I have had. They didn’t offer any alternatives except the Human Resources Manager that told me to take a week off ‘to get my back in shape again’. No one could have selected a worse environment to put me in. Their approach to the injury was equivalent to putting me in a mental prison with no outside windows. I am a great competitor, but the court of law has endless do-overs. I need to win or lose, but in this game if you lose you just appeal the decision. I was almost convinced God had abandoned me. It’s the only thing that made any sense.

Last November my father passed away unexpectedly. By this time I was taking pills to manage the pain, wearing patches to help manage pain, pills to enhance my mood, pills to get to sleep, and pills to wake up. There were no less then 12 different medications that my Dr.’s had me on. Needless to say there were times when I got the medications mixed up. But even without mixing them up I was just a walking zombie. I didn’t care about anything but the relief of my pain. It became all-consuming. Many people commented that I wasn’t really at the funeral at all, meaning that the drugs kept me from experiencing the moment. That may have been true, but no amount of drugs could have curbed my anger. I felt God had singled me out for undeserved punishment. I remember asking my husband ‘Where is my church and all the help I’m supposed to be getting?’ He apologized for not calling my friends in the ward on my behalf, but his words meant nothing. I didn’t want to hear anything but the angry voice inside me.
To make matters worse, the gentleman who was scheduled to conduct the funeral service decided he wouldn’t do it after all. He didn’t give any real reason except that he was uncomfortable with the music and words of the song “Amazing Grace”. Worst of all, he didn’t bother to call until 8:00 the night before the funeral. It was probably my darkest hour. My Mom was extremely upset and didn’t know where to turn. But somehow I knew what to do. I called Bishop Parker and asked if he could help us out of the difficult situation. Here was Bishop Parker faced with getting a talk together in less than 12 hours for a man he never knew. But he never wavered in his decision to give the eulogy. He has been there every time my family has needed him. What a wonderful example he sets for all the members of the church.
Ask and you shall receive. The words were never more true. I have no idea how many phone calls were made, how many schedules were changed, how many lives were disrupted. I only know that several members of this ward were in Carey the day of my father’s funeral. They brought the spirit and love of the church with them. They demonstrated the power of God’s love and mercy. The service was a blessing for my entire family. I saw that God hadn’t abandoned me, he was just a phone call away.

In March, after much research and prayer, I decided to proceed with treatment that several experts strongly advised against. I received a priestly blessing, and then I went to San Francisco for additional work on my back. The procedure was difficult and required me to have 2 separate surgeries. The first surgery took place on Good Friday and involved working on my spine from the front. Dr. Light took bone from my hip and grafted it in 2 locations on the front of my spine. The next surgery was scheduled for the following Monday, meaning I would have to spend Saturday and Sunday in the Intensive Care Unit.
Saturday and Sunday night, just prior to the second surgery I was exposed to a nurse who loved to comment on my course of treatment. I heard him discussing my case with another. He said there was a 50% chance I would die on the operating table. He couldn’t understand how a husband could put his wife through so much. He talked about the negative implications of my surgery for so long I convinced myself I shouldn’t have the second surgery. Monday, I called my husband at 6:00am and told him to get me discharged. I was in a complete panic and anxiety attack. I was afraid I would die. I was never more afraid of anything in my life as the thought of going through with the 2nd surgery. The entire operating crew was prepped and ready, they just didn’t have a patient. My husband and another nurse finally got me to agree to proceed. I thought of the scripture Phillippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengthenth me.”
As I was being wheeled to the operating room I prayed for a miracle. I asked God to allow my deceased Father to be with me. I needed the peace of mind that only my Dad could give me.
Ask and you shall receive. My prayer was answered. I looked up prior to the surgery to see my Dad standing between Dr. Light, the neurosurgeon and Dr. Avery, his assistant. I knew everything would work out OK then. After the surgery, I saw my Dad again. He had been with me the entire operation. John 14:18 reads “I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you.”
When I woke up after the surgery I realized that not only had our Heavenly Father answered my prayer for my Dad to comfort me, he granted blessings also. The constant pain in my left leg and feet that had been with me for the past 2 ½ years was gone. The continual stabbing pain in my lower back was gone. My surgeon was a very highly skilled professional with over 4,000 back surgeries to his credit. But I’m convinced he had the support of our Heavenly Father and performed a miracle of his own. The Blessings given By Bishop Parker and his Father-in-law here in Findlay were with Dr. Light each time I went into surgery in California. Certainly I have pain right now, but it lessens each day. I am certain that as I continue my recovery from the surgery I will be blessed with the best life has to offer.

I know some people will choose to believe I didn’t truly see my father that day. They will say I just wanted to see him so I called up a memory and placed that memory in the present day. Some will say the lack of wings or a halo-like glow around him proves that I was hallucinating or that the drugs were acting upon me. Some who share the beliefs of the man who was scheduled to conduct my father’s funeral service will say it is simply impossible that my father joined me because they can read in the Bible that it isn’t true. I also know that some people will say a surgeon with so much experience doesn’t need any help in the operating room. They will say that his skill alone has granted me relief from the pain. They can believe whatever they want. I know what I saw. I know how I feel today. I know God will never abandon me. I know prayers are answered. I know miracles do happen.
I have a long way to go yet. I face a year of rehabilitation before I find out how much of my life I will get back. I face another year or two or more, of court room antics by lawyers on retainers. I have no idea how these things will turn out, but I do know this church is true. I know God and his Son Jesus Christ do exist and they hear and answer our prayers.

Not everyone finds comfort in the scriptures, the don't believe in something they cannot see. but for me all the answers are there and with prayer you get the answers you need to support and sustain you. I am not a bible thumping holier that thou person. Most people probably couldn't tell you what religion I even am. Maybe that is an area I need to improve on, not be afraid to tell others that I do believe in the power of our Heavenly Father and his Son Jesus Christ. They are but a prayer away.