A Change is Coming

We are down to the last few weeks before we leave the nome we have lived in for the past 28+ years. I actually never planned on moving. I was happy livin in "the Hood". We had made a lot of the changes we wanted to our home so it truly was no biggie if we lived out the rest of our time in this home.

We are about to empty nest again with no plans to fill the nest this time. The nest will have the time to time filling from visits from our boys and their growing families. We hope others will stop by for frequent visits. We do enjoy the country quiet and the ability to walk out the back or front door and not have cars and people everywhere.

We are moving a trailer load at a time . Everytime we go over we grab some stuff and take it with us. This way I can unload it and put it away as it enters the new house.

We don't plan on changing anything in the interior of the house. It will be just fine for us for the time being. Most of what we want to work on is the outside grounds. And there is so much out there to work with.

Buck and I live a fairly simple life and it will get more so now that we are going to this new house. Especially with the new economic times. We have to find short cuts and easier cheaper ways of doing things. This has hit all of us pretty hard in the pocket. I might even put out a garden. Yes, that is so hard to believe but I do enjoy some veggies. I hate when you get them from the store and they do not even taste like what they are suppose to be.

I was catching fish big time yesterday. The bluegill/pumpkinseeds are spawning and all you have to do is hold a worm over the beds and the males attack the worm. Not sure I should even call it fishing but it is fun to throw something out and be able to reel a fish in. I always throw back everything I catch. I don't want to take out all the fish and not have some there when other people want to fish. I know that is a dumb way to look at things but I don't want to cook them so why kill them for nothing.

JJ

For those who don't know JJ is our son on loan from his mom Beth who passed away nearly 3 years ago. Beth and I had known each other for about 3 years and she and I always said JJ and my oldest son were twin sons born of different moms.

Beth knew she was ill with cancer but none of us new she would pass so soon. We just weren't even in that book when it happened. But time and life waits for none of us. It doesn't care whether we are ready or not. Beth has said she hoped the kids could come live with us. She hoped that JJ would observe Buck and see how a husband and Father are really suppose to act. She also had hoped the my youngest son, Adam, could mentor JJ like a little brother. But here again, timing was just bad. Adam was in college at the University of Dayton and he also played football. And he had a girlfriend of nearly 8 years. So his time was pretty well spoken for. Luke , my eldest son, was working in Columbus, going to school to get his Master's and was about to get married.

When I say JJ is not a bad kid, it is true. You look at some of the not so bright things he has done and you really have to wonder but......at his core he is a good kid.
Over the past 4 years he has watched his parents seperate then divorce. His father is an alcoholic and his mom just couldn't deal with all the drama of that plus her own illness. He was in a horrific accident that has destroyed the life of a very good friend. JJ spent over a month in the hospital and went through several surgeries. He and his girlfriend found out she was expecting. They carried the baby girl to term and then put her up for adoption through a Christian adoption agency. A tough choice and a rough time for juniors in high school to go through. But they are still together as a couple and that is great. JJ has an underage DUI that got reduced to failure to control. And now his last pothole- taking my narcotic painkillers. He is smoking weed and doing some drinking also. Buck and I just do not believe in this kind of behavior and choices for anyone let alone a 18 [ soon to be 19] year old that lives in our home. HE KNOWS BETTER. He can make so much better choices that to get high and wasted and God knows what else when he is using my meds.
Everyone told us to turn him into the police. I just could not do that to him. A drug charge on a young person heading into college just is not good. Kentucky would have told him to stay in Ohio, they wouldn't take him. I won't be the one who screws his future up. If he wants to do that he can do it without my help. So we have set down new ground rules for his future behavior and what we expect him to do this summer. Plus he always has the option of moving out on his own.
I wish he would realize that his behavior and the way he acts is all up to him. His peer group does not and cannot control him unless he allows it to happen. THE CHOICE IS HIS. He is in control but the minute he gives into the poor choice then he has lost control and that is what we are trying to get him to understand. We know that everyone does stupid stuff, it is part of growing up. It is how we learn and grow but when stupidity turns into idiotic behaviors that can harm others it's time to put the brakes on and that is what we have done to JJ. If he cannot make good choices for himself then we will remove him from the places that aren't healthy for him until he is confident enough in himself to say hell no, I don't wanna get high, I don't wanna get plastered, and I am not stealing someone elses painkillers to get my kicks.

We have talked and talked to him and we believe he is listening to some of it. We hope he understands we only want the best for him. We want to see him succeed. But we also know that he will not succeed if he cannot stand up for his core values and say NO. If these people are really his friends then it shouldn't matter but these kids now adays believe the harder you party the better.

We will continue to try and guide him to better choices but at this point JJ has to step up and take control of HIS LIFE. He is not a little boy anymore that needs to have his hand help to walk across the street. He can get there all by himself and he can get there safely if he just listens to his heart and soul and what it is telling him everytime he is faced with one of these choices.

We continue to work with him because we made a committment to his mom to finish raising him and helping him. It would be different if we felt he was a lost cause and that he didn't care....but again we know he is a smart kid, a kid whose mom taught him right from wrong, a kid who has a conscience that is telling him when he is making a poor choice.

We wish things were different for him. You never want to see a child without his mom and dad. His mom passed away, she had no choice but his Dad chooses to not be a part of any of the kids life. How tough must that be to know your Dad doesn't care one way or the other. I would be so damned pissed at him if I was JJ. I'm not making excuses for him.

I believe in JJ. I believe he will turn this pothole into a positive. I believe he wants to succeed, he wants people to be proud of him. Most importantly he wants people to love him for who he is not because of the circumstances that have come into his life.

Life happens to all of us. At times there is nothing that seems fair about any of it but as long as a person is breathing you can make things better, you can turn things around. You can choose to let life beat you down and keep you down or you can get up off the ground and make a better life. I believe JJ will get up off the ground and choose the better part of what life has to offer to him

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO JOHN AND LINDA

May God grant you at least 30 more years together

Life and life and Life

To a special Niece----just know we would never judge you or your hubby for a choice made so long ago. We all make choices we wish we could change. Life has a way of putting us in our place from time to time and we learn and move one. You cannot go back as much as you may want. You've put it in the hands of the one person [ not sure if person is the correct term but it works for me} that matters.
I saw where today was a sucky day for you. Hopefully tomorrow is better. I'm sure that you will always have things that remind you of both Carleigh and Jordan. You don't want to ever forget either one but in turn don't let the saddness hinder the joy you have everyday with Kyndra and Anthony.

Bella-

The most precious flower in our garden of life. We love to get phone calls from her and pictures and the brief video clips of what she is doing.

We love it!!!!!

Most of the time we cannot understand what she is saying....she is on a speaker phone and she either is to close or to far away but you still hear her voice and the excitement she is sharing.

It will be fun to have her and Ben together when he arrives in July. Everything is going fine with her pregnancy so far so we pray that continues for the duration.

Leo is recovering from his ear surgery. The anesthesia has thrown him for a complete loop. He is very subdued and quiet which is a little out of the norm for him. Hopefully this will correct the infection and hearing problems with him. I would think with all the crap they took out he should be hearing a whole new world. They said it would be like trying to hear underwater. Poor dog, no wonder he acts the way he does.

Drama, drama, drama- Yesterday was quite an eye opening experience. Wedding and engagement are off, boyfriend girlfriend spending weekends together, and then a choice.

Lets you know life has gone on in the past, will go on today, and also in the future.

You don't get married just to see what it is like. You don't screw every boyfriend just to see if you like him and it.

The Walker Kids

I look at these kids with love and admiration. They have had so much go wrong in their life yet they are filled with so much joy and with such a zeal and love of life. You wonder how they do it sometimes but then all I have to do is think of their mom Beth and I know where it comes from. She was a one of a kind person and she got everything she could out of life and I think she has passed that gift on to her kids.

I guess I am using my blog as a rant post. Their dad has decided to play his usual

Jack -in -the -Box father thing and it makes me angry. This man has ignored these kids for the better part of 5 years. He has ignored almost everything these kids have done, for example both the girls high school graduations, Robin's college graduation, his son spending a month or so in the hospital, and I could keep going forever. Promises he made but never keep though he has a million excuses why. This man makes me more angry than almost anyone else. Only the pathetic people who write hate letters to the Anen. moms makes me more pissed off.

As his middle daughter Janine told Buck and I, "the thought of hugging me father makes me sick. I don't want to look at him." She is struggling with writing a letter to let him know just how much he has hurt her. I wish I could write the letter for her because I wouldn't hold back anything. But I do have to remember he is there Father. He is blood. He is Family. He doesn't deserve to be called a Dad because he doesn't do the things a Dad does with his kids. He is there Father only because it takes sperm to create a baby!!!

That F*&_&&G bastard doesn't deserve to see the kids. He chose to run out on them and let them up here for the rest of the world to take care of. Beth had laid great groundwork for the care of her kids after she passed but damnit a decent father would have said I WANT MY KIDS WITH ME. There is no way in the world my kids would have been raised by random strangers. But I guess that is where he and I differ so much. I would die for my kids and he wouldn't. I see my 2 sons as my most important possessions here on earth and there spouses and children the same. I cannot imagine my life without my kids in it. Now we have come to love Beth's kids. Robin, Janine, and JJ. To me they are our children on loan from Beth till we all cross over into heaven. I hope I can look her in the eye and tell her I did the best I could to love them and protect them and help them make a good life for themselves. Are Buck and I perfect? Oh heck no. It is tough ....they were young adults when they came here. But we have tried and that is more than I can say for there Father.

He was a great sperm donor: they are smart, good-looking, good kids. But his part of getting the kids to where they are today ended there. BETH did a great job raising them to the day she passed but there father always took the easy way out. At 50 or there abouts he ran back to mommy and daddy to take care of him and to get the hell away from his kids and paying child support. Dear God, this man makes me so angry. He should have been the one holding his kids when they cried themselves to sleep after Beth passed. He should have been the one they talked to about college and growing up. He wants to reappear after a 5 year retreat. NONONONONO

STAY THE HELL AWAY- they are far better off without him in there life. They don't need to hear false promises and get token gifts and then have you run back to Florida and forget about them till a time that you deem necessary to reappear. He always uses alcohol as an excuse. He is an adult, he made the choice that a bottle of liquor was more important than his own flesh and blood. Doug, when are you gonna grow up and talk responsibility for the choices you have made. You have cheated your kids out of so much. Your kids make better day to day choices than you do. You think phone calls makes up for yoou not being here? Get real, you should have found a way to see your kids.

I look at the above pictures and I just keep thinking , HOW? How could you walk away from your kids. It just doesn't make any sense. At least with JJ and Justine I can understand their thought processes when they put their baby daughter up for adoption. They were way to young to try and raise a baby on their own and make a good life for all of them. They found a great couple looking for children and it seems Claire will enjoy everything that a child is entitled to have. Mainly, a mom and dad who will love her and would lay down there life for their her.

My advice to the kids on there father would be to take your time if you want to establish a longterm relationship with him. It is easy to talk the talk of saying you'll be there.....but I think be there for what....your kids are about to be all grown up and in college or just starting a new career. You want to come into there lives now that the "hard" part is over. You don't deserve these kids. You don't deserve to walk your daughters down the aisle or stand by your son when he takes a wife. You haven't earned the right to have them in your life. They don't need to be hurt yet again but one of your promises unfulfilled. Beth is still a far better parent to these kids and she passed away nearly 3 years ago. Her memories and the example of her life lived are a far better daily reminder to them than you who are a living breathing person!

At this point in time I cannot forgive you. Everything you put Beth through and everything you have put your kids through deems that at this point in time I cannot and will not. Maybe this makes me a bad person but I cannot sit back and watch you hurt these kids yet again.

They do not deserve it. You do not deserve to be a part of these kids life. You've done nothing but hirt them. Over and over and over and over and over. I hope they all tell you to stay the hell away from them.

The Eagle Part 2

Buck wrote the following:

Today I watched an eagle fly. And for just a while, time stood still…
It dawned on me today that I had never seen an eagle in the wild. In our home we have pictures of eagles in zoos we have visited. I have seen hundreds of movies where an eagle soared gracefully over a majestic landscape. But in spite of an early childhood in a rural Ohio county, in spite of numerous trips through Kentucky and Tennessee and in spite of a couple of trips to the Rocky Mountain States, I could never recall seeing an eagle in the wild. I have thought I saw eagles in the past, but inevitably it was always a buzzard or in a couple of cases simply a large hawk. I know the difference between buzzards, hawks and eagles. But in my desperation to see an eagle, I saw eagles when there were none.
For some reason it bothered me.
I don’t know why my birding failure was so important today. I have plenty of other things to worry about. My wife has started referring to our dream house as the money pit. Her nickname may have something to do with the need to replace the roof, clean out the septic system, haul in sand for the pond, remove trees that were threatening to find their way into the living room and the need to buy something to mow the lawn-all 6 acres of it. It may have something to do with the lousy economy that will result in a substantial drop in my income. It may have something to do with the fact that college debts are not being paid as quickly as we had hoped or the fact Becky is driving a car that recently celebrated its tenth year of service. There are far more important things going on than eagles.
We have so many things to do there was no time to be bird brained today.
We are building a crib for our grandson who will arrive in July. We really want to build a bed for Arabella, help Adam finish his home remodeling, build his custom bathroom vanity and finally, yes finally, finish the under-stair cabinets at Luke’s place. And then we still have that pesky little issue called moving a household that over the past 28 years has grown roots in Findlay. Oh yeah, we need to get the Findlay house ready to sell during the worst real estate market in 30 years. If you want to know why the economy melted down don’t listen to the talking heads on TV. The truth is it all started last year after Becky and I decided to take a chance and buy a home we fell in love with. Yep, it is all our fault. If we would have just accepted the fact we were destined to live in an area where it seems like registered sex offenders outnumber married couples the economy would have been OK. We dared to think we could have something better and you can see what happened. I wonder if we qualify for any of that stimulus money being thrown around?
There are far more pressing things going on in our lives. Why eagles? Why today?
Today we were on the road, driving to the funeral service for our great niece. Carleigh wasn’t given much chance of survival months ago when Holly was just 4 or 5 months pregnant but her parents did everything they could in the hopes of spending a precious minute or two with her. But it just wasn’t to be. Carleigh died a week ago during birth. We had been in the waiting area, hoping and praying the doctors would be wrong. Like everyone who knew the story, we were heartbroken and had spent the last week searching for a way to show our love, support our family and deal with our own grief. We did our best but we worried that we had failed at most of these. I had plenty of important things to worry about today.
But for some reason, never seeing an eagle remained of utmost importance to me. While driving to the church for the funeral I asked my son Lucas if he could ever remember seeing an eagle on any vacation we had taken. He told me he remembered seeing eagles in the zoo but never in the wild. He even offered to take me to the Columbus zoo so I could see just how big they were. I think he may have mistaken me for his 2 year old daughter.
At the church, before the service started today, I chatted nervously with John, my brother in law, about the eagles that supposedly live near the money pit. It turns out John is an eagle magnet of sorts. He had never seen one near our new home but he reported seeing a couple of them in the field behind my mother in laws house. One of the eagles was snacking on a ground hog John had shot a day or two earlier. He told me about another he had seen while he was out hunting coyotes. He also reported having seen them on several trips to the Lake Erie area. Why did that not surprise me? I am sure if the service hadn’t started John would have had time to tell me about the time an eagle landed on his shoulder and ate planters peanuts out of his hand. Yeah, I made up that part, but he has seen eagles and I haven’t. My cynicism is justified, if only in my own mind.
Once the funeral service started I put eagles out of my mind for a while. I had been given the honor of speaking to the congregation so my mind was busy with other things. I spoke of my regret that we would never know Carleigh. I reminded the gathered crowd of the faith that sustained our niece and her husband. I spoke of the choices they had made and the unselfish act of sharing their story with anyone interested. I told them love would sustain them if they let themselves love the life we all have. I wish I could say my words made a difference but I don’t know that any words can heal the pain of losing a child. We drove away from the service wishing we could have done more and knowing there was nothing else we could have done.
Since we had taken my mother in law with us to the service, we drove to her home in Carey. After she was safely in the house we decided against returning to Findlay right away and instead went to check out the action at the money pit. I may have talked to Becky about eagles on the drive there but I don’t remember for sure. I may not have because she has reported seeing eagles a couple of times while doing yard work there. Since I have spent as much time at our new home as she has and I have never seen an eagle, I tend to get upset about her bragging. Actually, she has never bragged, but she has seen an eagle and I haven’t. That is close enough in my book.
We started out working on separate tasks. I don’t know why, maybe we just needed some distance and time to ourselves. Sometimes Becky and I just need a little space. After a while I decided I should help her with cleaning the pond. Shortly after I got to the pond she pointed off in the southern sky. I could make out a bird flying toward us and at first I thought she was teasing me by pointing to a buzzard.
But I kept my eye on the bird as it approached the pond and as it banked away to the east. The white head of the large bird was clearly visible and while it wasn’t soaring like I had seen in the movies there was no question. It was an eagle, flapping its wings furiously, intent on getting somewhere I didn’t know.
Why did I see an eagle today? Was it simply a chance encounter after 40 years of looking? Was it a sign that I needn’t worry about the money pit, a sign that somehow everything would work out? Or was it a message telling me I worry too much, that I should enjoy the small wonders of the world around me? Could it have been something more?
As I stared in awe at the sight before me I remembered when I spoke at the funeral service today I lamented the fact that we didn’t have any shared memories of Carleigh. I said if we only had those memories I could talk about them and the winds of laughter could fill the room to carry her tiny spirit to heaven. I spoke of how those memories were denied us and we could be overwhelmed with sadness if we allowed it to happen. I told the congregation I couldn’t do that because today, no matter how sad, was a gift to be embraced by all of us.
I am not sure why, but just before I lost sight of that magnificent bird I laughed. It wasn’t much of a laugh, actually it was just the smallest of chuckles. But it was my own little addition to the breeze that was blowing today. And then I cried.
I don’t think I cried because I fear the financial hardships placed before me. Our relationship is strong. I know Becky and I can survive anything that comes our way. I don’t think I cried because my life seems so busy I can’t keep up with everything. What we don’t get done will wait, those who love us will understand.
I didn’t cry for Carleigh because I am certain she is in a better place.
I know I shed tears for her Mom and Dad, her extended family and so many others. I cried for my family and our loss. But mainly I cried because life is such a wonderful experience. Life is filled with miracles if we take the time to look for them. Tears fell for the many people who will never see the glorious bounty around us or in the air above.
Today I watched an eagle fly. And for just a while time stood still.

Lessons I have learned and More

I've Learned That :

1. You can get by on charm for about 15 minutes, after that you better know something.
2. We are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
3. You shouldn't compare yourself to the best that others can do.
4. That you can keep going long after you think youo can't
5. You should always leave loved ones with loving words, because someday it will be the last
time you see them.
6. Sometimes the people who you expect to kick you when your down turn out to be the ones who help you get back up.
7. Money is a lousy way to keep score.
8. Sometimes when I am angry I have a right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
9. Just becasue someone doesn't love yoou the way you want them to love you does not mean they do not love you.
10. Never tell a child that their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
11. No matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
12. Just becasue two people argue doesn't mean they do not love each other, and just because they argue doesn't mean they do.
13. Sometimes it is hard to draw the line to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings, and standing up for what is believe.
14. You shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
15. NO MATTER HOW BAD YOUR HEART IS BROKEN, The world doesn't stop for your grief.
16. Heros are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done regardless of the consequences.
17. Are backgrounds and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
18. It's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

My eldest son

Luke,

Your Dad and I are so proud of you. You are seeing the success of your hard work and the dedication you put into your job. Good things happen to good people.

A lot of doors are opening at once for you and I know you will make all the right choices. Never doubt that you can do the job and do it well. You have a lot more of your dad in you than youo think.

Even if all the doors for your job and future education were to close you still will have the two most important things in your life. Your wife, Angie, and your beautiful little girl, Arabella. Together with them there is nothing that you cannot get through.

You have so much to offer the kids you are working with. Hopefully they will take advantage of it and get there lives turned around to where they learn to make the better choice.

Hopefully you get a chance to come help put on the roof. I think Dad and I are staying over this week so we can move some beds over there so people ahve a place to crash.

The Eagle

After we got home from Carleigh's funeral we went to our house in Carey. I think we both just needed time to reflect on our own personal feelings from the day. We were standing up by the pond and I looked up into the sky and saw our bald eagle. I pointed it out to Buck and told him "There is your Eagle". Maybe it was Carleigh just letting us know her spirit is free now to soar to new heights and to let us know she is fine. It was cool cause the sun was setting and there was that pretty pinkish cast in the sky and the one lone Eagle soaring above us.

This picture I took when we went to the Toledo zoo. These are such majestic birds.

We are getting closer to the move to Carey. The house has kinda become the moneypit here lately but upkeep on a home can be that way. We've had to get a new roof, clean out the septic ssytem, work on making a swale in the yard to get rid of water that lays out in the yard, cut down 2 trees that were hazardous, and our next will be getting something to mow with. Obviously it will not be the tractor we wanted but that is fine. All things will come in there own time. I can mow with a push mower if that is what it takes to keep the yard mowed.

A few Weeks

It has been a while since I have posted. Just taken some time to try and sort through so much.

We were suppose to make it to a prayer service for my niece and her family. We got started and we never made it the rest of the way. Why? There are times when you start to do something for all the right reasons but it is wrong. To give a condensed version; one of the people with us felt they were being kidnapped to do something they had not totally agreed to. How do you force a person to do something their heart is not totally into. I was torn into. How do you force someone you are suppose to love and respect to do something they feel you tricked them into. I couldn't, and we didn't but ultimately it lead to what I feel was someone making all the right choices for all the right reasons. When you let someone come to their own decsions without forcing what you believe on them , they will make the right choices. It let me have some great conversation with my mom. In the end all she really wants is all of us to respect her enough to let her decide what she wants. She is an intelligent caring lady and we need to treat her in that way. She doesn't need to be told what to do and how to do it. I know I need to respect her right to believe as she does more. I have no right to force my beliefs and thoughts on her.

She went to Wilmington for the birth of her great grand daughter Carleigh. She went to show her love and support. It was a gift we could give to my brother and his family by having his mom there. I don't care how old we get we all need to know our parent/s love and support us in both the good times and the hurting times. Without anyone forcing her to be there she asked if she could ride along with my hubby and me. Of course we took her.

We had the opportunity to take her to the funeral also. Buck so enjoys chatting with my mom. Sometimes he picks on her but he really likes having her with us. I know she always feels like a 5th wheel but we don't look at it that way at all. Mom made all the right choices by showing her support for her son and his family. The difference is we allowed her to say I want to be there. NOBODY told her she had to do it and that is such a huge difference.

I saw so much positive come out of this past week but there will always be negative too. I cannot believe that two family members failed to go to either of the opportunities they had to show support. I cannot understand how you can not say or do something. But they are the ones who have to live with the choice they made and that is really what life comes down to. CHOICES. you live with the consequences.

Earth Has No Sorrow That Heaven Cannot Heal

A quote from Thomas Moore.

A must read book for every person- The Shack

Breathe in me.....deep
That I might breathe.....and live
And hold me close that I might sleep
Soft held by all you give

Come kiss me, wind, and take my breath
Till you and I are one
And we will dance among the tombs
Until all death is gone

And no one knows that we exist
Wrapped in each other's arms
Except the One who blew the breath
That hides me safe from harm

Come kiss me, wind, and take my breath
Till you and I are one
And we will dance among the tombs
Until all death is gone


Faith never knows where it is being led, but it knows and loves the One who is leading.

I read this book in just a matter of hours.

James- Our Son on Loan from Beth

The top photo is JJ with his girlfriend Justine.

The top left photo is JJ's family. His siter Janine, Uncle Fritz, Aunt Sue, his oldest sister Robin, and his Uncle Joe.

The bottom photo is his senior night swimming picture with his sister Janine.

JJ and his sisters came to us when their mother ,Beth, passed away unexpectedly from chemo treatment. To keep the kids to gether in one house we asked them to come and join our family. Of course we warned them that Buck and I are dull and boring people. We aren't rich, the house is just a house....so life wasn't gonna be all easy and comfy. Our idea of excitement is curling up on the floor and watching a DVD or some sporting event, or my obsession with my witches, bitches, and midget shows. At least that is what Buck calls them. It is really Paranormal, Jon and Kate plus 8, and Little People Big World.

James or JJ. ......we had two sons of our own so how hard could trying to finish raising another boy be. Well...........he is full of surprises and NOOOOOOOOOOOO it hasn't been easy but definetly worth it. As he has matured into a young man so has our ways of dealing and helping a kid grow-up. We have always adhered to the policy of giving a person rope. If they chose to hang themselves with it then you adjusted the rules and the rope. Well, we have had to throw that out and come up with a new game plan. JJ has hung himself so many times that we knew what we used in raising our boys was not gonna work with helping JJ grow up, learn what life is really all about, and learn about what is really important.....family.

JJ's mom had protected the kids from so much of what was going on with her health. They had no clue she had battled cancer for 10 years, she protected them from their alcoholic father [ who for some unknown reason pretends these kids don't exist the majority of the time], she wanted so much for them to have as normal of life as possible so she went overboard in giving them freedom to do a lot of things. From his 7th grade year to right now this boy has watched mom and dad seperate and then divorce, move 4 times, been involved in a horrific accident that virtually left one of his best friend's in a wheelchair, unable to walk, talk,......so sad, get his girlfriend pregnant and then give their little girl up for adoption, get a underage dui [ got reduced to failure to control but.....amazing what some $$$ and a lawyer can do.} and then a few other dents and curves. But as you can see just a lot of shit for a kid to grow through. He's still standing and that in and of itself is amazing.

He has two great sisters. Sometimes he may not appreciate it but they would do anything to help him and I believe he in turn would help them. The one thing we hope they have learned from being with us is to turn to family. In the end the ones standing beside you are gonna be your family members. So it is important to keep ties and nurture them.

The most heartbreaking moment for me with him was a day when he came home from school. He just busted out crying and said "I want my Mom, I need my Mom". What can a person do but just hold him and let him cry, let him know we love him and would do anything we can to help him but he asked for the one thing we cannot give to him. It's times like that when I'd like to boot his dad in the ass for never being around to help his son. What the hell!!!! You father three great kids and you just run off and let them try and make their way through life without a mom or a dad. I just don't understand people like that. I would give my life for my kids and this sperm donor wouldn't give $10 for his.

We have also recommended counseling for him and he agreed with no hesitation. So he goes and we hope he is making the most of the help they offer to him. He has a lot of stuff to sort out and file away and hopefully they can help him get some of the files in order.

I know the move to Carey in a few months has them all on edge as to what they will do. We have let them know they have a home there. Whether they want to live there....I honestily don't know but we cannot continue to put our lives on hold for others. Our live is gonna be in Carey and whoever wants to be part of that will come with us........otherwise I guess they will have to learn to fly on there own. We have done and will continue to offer them a home a place to crash....but as young adults they will have to decide what direction they want there future to take.

Odds and Ends

Arabella and Adam. Adam will be a great daddy. He loves his little niece.

Arabella smiling as usual. Sitting on one of my garage sale finds. I have a habit of looking for anything old and oak and usually will buy iy if it is cheap. I got this chair and a matching smaller one for $25.

The dog above is my buddy Leo. I had to take him to the groomer yesterday. $100 later he was clean, mat free, and sporting a green bandana. I knew it was gonna cost a lot because he was a MESS> Chris did a great job with him and I guess the whole place got along well with him. The one girl said he is such a loving dog!!!!! UMMM I have many a person that he absolutely hates and he won't let them lay a finger on him. The poor Schwan man hides when he comes to the house because he thinks Leo is gonna break through the door and kill him.

It's a boy. Adam and Kristel have a baby due in July and it is a boy. So far everything checks out well which is a blessing. They are extremely happy and have been throwing out some names but I will leave those pronouncements to the happy couple. I like the names and would be happy with either.

The New Money Pit- well I guess we all get curveballs thrown our way. Just in different shapes and sizes. With the deluge of rain we got we found many many leaks in the roof of the house. Many Many leaks. The basement had a spot that water was just pouring in from. Buck and Adam got a temp. fix done there but the only fix for the roof is a new one. Buck, Luke, and Adam plan on tearing off the two or three layers of shingles that are on it now and then Jason will put down the new roof. Our theory of this is , we need help, and if your gonna pay someone, it might as well be family and Jason knows what he is doing so we are glad that at least we can trust the work of the person putting it back on for us.

Our weekend is filling up fast. TOO fast. Hopefully we get everywhere we are suppose to be on time etc. Oh well....better to be too busy than have nothing to do and no place to go.

I mailed out everything that I had to send yesterday. YEAH. I have a habit of not getting things where they need to be on time. I am actually sending out little care packages to Arabella. I bought here some Berenstain Bear books. She loves to have you read to her. She can have people read to her for hours on end....the same book for hours on end [ thumbellina} ...... so grandma and papa are sending out books every few days for her. I think she will love getting her own mail when mommy and daddy are opening theirs. I found this cool bubble envelopes that come in colors so it won't just be the ugly brown envelope.

The missed phone call

Darn It. Adam and Kristel tried several times to get hold of me this morning and I was outside. When I got back in and realized I missed the call I was waiting on well......I was not happy. I tried to call but Kristel said I have to wait till Adam gets off work so they can tell me together.

So now I get to see how time can drag while I wait for 6pm to roll around. Maybe I will scroll something. It always makes time go faster. You get so busy with the work that you fail to realize that 5-6 hours have gone by.

Back in September it was hard to realize how quickily March and April would roll around. It's almost time to pack and move to Carey. I swear the one thing that mom kept telling me as a kid holds so very true in my own life. She said that as you get older time seems to be fly by so much faster. As a little kid a day seemed to last forever but as a middle aged adult 24 hours, a day, a week, all seem to fly by and you have no idea how it all happened so fast. You swear the clock is on hyperdrive.

You were invincible as a kid, a teenager, and even in the early 20's. Fifty was OLD and now Istand at the threshold of the age that I thought was ancient. LOLOLOlolol............. time waits on no one and you either grab on and go for the ride or spend all your time fighting. I think I'll stay in the saddle of life and see what the rest of it has in store for me.

Geez I new subject

Exciting......we find out what Adam and Kristel are having tomorrow. Of course we just pray that they have a healthy baby. And I really have no preference and I really haven't heard Adam or Kristel express a yearning one way or the other. Just the mantra that they want the baby to be healthy.

I only wanted boys....didn't feel I had what it took to parent a female and God must have agreed because I was only blessed with males. But the granddaughter is quite the blessing so another little rose in our garden would be just fine or an ornery little boy [ don't know a flower to equate a boy with....maybe a stinkweed!!!!!!]

Why I believe what I do-

From the time I can first remember as a small child I always felt that I had the choice to be here on earth. That I was somewhere else before I came here. That I was here for a reason or reasons, that I am suppose to grow here and become a better person "spirit". I know weird thoughts for a little kid and then a young adult but it was and is what it is.

I believe, contrary to what many others will tell you, that there is good in all faiths [who believe in a good higher power]. I have had the opportunity to worship and attend a fairly wide number of churches and in only one did I ever feel comfortable. One that my heart told me from the very beginning was where I needed to be. Does this make me believe that all the others are wrong? heck no......just that every person has a place in a faith, any faith, that will make them feel good inside. The right place at the right time for them in their own spiritual growth. I believe just as we all grow on the outside at different rates, such is our spiritual growth. There are good people in all religions, in all countries, in all economic stations of life, that are ready to touch the lives of others who are in need. The Lord uses many people in many ways. I am not catholic but a great example of this is Sister Teresa. How can anyone question her faith, her love of the Lord, or her compassion and love of her fellow man.

I will always believe that we will be measured in the world to come by the love in our hearts. I don't believe that weekly attendance in a pew at the local church guarantees us a free ticket in the world to come. The drunk in the alley can be a far better christian than the man who sits in the front of the church every Sunday. We will be held accountable for the way we treat others. As hard as it is for me, I know I have to let go of the anger, hate, envy, bitterness, the unwillingness to forgive others, and other traits that are not pretty. If you cannot forgive others how can you ever learn to forgive yourself. There is the power of both postive [good] and negative [ bad] all around us and we have the CHOICE to decide which we want to lock onto.

My own personal stumbling block is the guilt and misery cycle. I have to learn to let go of the past and all that went with it. It is tough but if I don't then it is easy to get depressed. Moving forward, ever forward, if only a step at a time is my mantra. The traits I mentioned above do nothing but destroy the soul. An anchor that drags you downward when we really are trying to move upwrads. I am learning to be thankful for each day no matter the challenges that may come with that day. I am here, I am alive, and that is reason enough to give praise to the Lord.

As humans we love to judge others. I am just as guilty as the next person of this ugly trait. But, I have no right to judge another person. In the end I am going to be judged by the same yardstick I used to judge them. In all fairness there is no way to measure so there is no way to judge.

I have seen the results of doing good things for others without thought of what I will get in return. This is the "pay it forward" or "ripple effect" If you do good to me I will do good for others and of course the opposite would hold true too. Bad breeds bad. If God is truly keeping a life book on each of us I think we get alot more extra credit for the good we do for others that nobody else knows we did. The good we bring into someone elses life where we don't advertise to the whole town that we did it.

Prayer- Oh how I struggle with this. My prayers are more like conversations with God. Nothing that is elaborate, wordy, elegant, or worthy to ever be put on paper. But I believe I pray from my heart and I think that is what God wants to hear. He knows my thoughts, concerns, desires, and the forgiveness I seek. I believe all sincere prayer is heard and answered. We may not agree with the timing or the reply but he does hear and answer us.

I do not believe we are puppets on a string. I do not believe our life is foreordained. We have our freedon to choose and the choices we make play a major role in how our life plays out. I believe God knows are needs and wants but if we are selfish enough not to seek him out in prayer then we honestly cannot expect to receive an answer or the blessings.

Why do bad things happen to good people- if I said because that is life even I hate that answer. It absolutely sucks. God does not create the bad or the accidents nor does he necessarily interfere to prevent them. Car accidents, murder, airplane crashes....they just happen. Poor choices, faulty equipment......life.

I will use my nephew Brett as an example of my next belief. I hold steadfast to the belief that some people [ spirits, children, babies} are so far down the spiritual growth path that there time here may be ever so brief, if at all. They may come to us so that each of us may continue to develop spiritually. These are the deaths that tear at your heart the most. We can almost accept the passing of an elderly grandparent because they had a chance to experience all the earth has to offer. But a child or a baby.....trying to learn the why can rip at your very soul. But I believe Angels walk amongst us, we often don't know it.

“As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the word of the Lord: ‘I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold I will heal thee’ (2 Kings 20:5). Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord." { James Faust}



How true. We always search for reaons why things happen to either us or those we know. We try to make sense of it and figure out "why". As hard as we may work to find the answers to our questions in this life....we may have to be patient and wait till the next life to be given the answer as to why.

“We are limited in our visions. With our eyes we can see but a few miles. With our ears we can hear but a few years. We are encased, enclosed, as it were, in a room, but when our light goes out of this life, then we see beyond mortal limitations. …
“The walls go down, time ends and distance fades and vanishes as we go into eternity … and we immediately emerge into a great world in which there are no earthly limitations.”
What a comfort to know that there is more waiting for us on the other side of the veil. Though we may be parted in this earthly life there is so much more waiting to be enjoyed and experienced.
How sad for those who believe that this is all we get. This short time on earth. If this is it then why be good, why have faith. We might as well do whatever we can to enjoy the here and now no matter who we gotta crush down to do it. There would be no good or bad, right or wrong. Everything would be chaos [ kinda what were all experiencing right now].
Faith- believing in what we cannot see. It is so hard for so many people , including me. It's hard to keep the faith when nothing in your life seems to be going the way you want. If God is really there then why is he letting this bad stuff happen to you? With one touch of his hand he could make your world perfect again. When this doesn't happen the way you pray for it to then you think that God is angry with you or you did something to piss him off. The spiral affect begins. the disbelief starts eating away at your faith like a cancer. Goes back to my original question that started this blog "Why are we here?"

the rantings and ravings or .......

Wipe out the last post..

Great to have a computer and the ability to see that something really sucked so with one poke of a key 30 minutes worth of work disappears. I guess it's no different than scrunching up a piece of paper and chucking it into the vertical file.
I guess it goes to show what trying to write about family does to me...... a struggle with conflicting emotions.
Spent some time looking through journals from 8 years ago. What a dark blanket of oppression and depression I allowed myself to fall under. It is all to easy to get caught in that downward spiral. I liken it to the well you see in a mall where you put a coin in it and the coin spirals round and round till it drops into the bottom. Once the coin speeds up or in this case, me, how do you pull yourself out of the descent into total blackness. In my case I had a husband who walked beside me every step of the way. He was my best friend, my lover, my counselor. I got my strength through him. How blessed we are as woman and wives when we choose wisely our life partners.
Here, then, is a great truth I have learned through the trials I have endured and through reading scriptures and church writings. In the pain, the agony, and the endeavors of our life, we pass through the refiner’s fire, and the insignificant and the unimportant in our lives melt away like dross and this helps to make our faith bright, intact, and strong. In this way the divine image can be mirrored from the soul. It is through these purging trials that we become better acquainted with God. In the agonies of life, we seem to listen better to the faint whisperings of Jesus Christ. It seems we only truly want to listen to these whisperings when we have suffering in our life.
Into every life , yours, mine, and others we know, there come the painful, depressing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be more than our fair share of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. NOBODY has a free pass through this earthly life. The Apostle Paul referred to his own challenge: “And lest I should be exalted above measure … , there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me.” The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process. We know of many people who have fallen away from their faith and the church because they felt God was punishing them. They couldn't get past their anger and bitterness at God for not taking away those things that grieved them so much.
Said Alma, “A shepherd hath called after you and is still calling after you, but ye will not hearken unto his voice!” In our extremities, it is possible to become born again, born anew, renewed in heart and spirit. We no longer ride with the flow of the crowd, but instead we enjoy the promise of Isaiah to be renewed in our strength and “mount up with wings as eagles.”{ my favorite Bible Scripture} The proving of one’s faith goes before the witnessing, for Moroni testified, “Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” This trial of faith can become a priceless experience. It may make our pain and suffering seem unbearable, we may feel we can never get back to normal. But we can, we will, we must. We must hold onto our faith in the Lord. He truly is walking beside us every step of the way. It is up to us to reach out for his hand and let him guide us. The answer to our prrayers may not be immediate, it may come in those quiet whisperings;it may be days, weeks, or months after our supplications to our Lord are lifted towards heaven.
States Peter, “The trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.” Trials and adversity can be preparatory to becoming born anew.
Jesus Christ has a message of hope, strength, and deliverance for all. If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is a divine purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless. All of us suffer some injuries from experiences that seem to have no rhyme or reason. We cannot understand or explain them. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord. But because it happens, it must be endured. President Howard W. Hunter said that “God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see.” President Brigham Young offered this profound insight that at least some of our suffering has a purpose when he said: “Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered to come upon the few, to prepare them to enjoy the presence of the Lord. … Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation.” Out of the refiner’s fire can come a glorious deliverance. It can be a noble and lasting rebirth. The price to become acquainted with God will have been paid. There can come a sacred peace. There will be a reawakening of dormant, inner resources. A comfortable cloak of righteousness will be drawn around us to protect us and to keep us warm spiritually. Self-pity will vanish as our blessings are counted.
The blessings of eternity will surely come to those who endure refining, as the Lord Himself taught: “He only is saved who endureth unto the end.”

The need to write

Ive always written my thoughts down on something. Be it a scrap of paper or an actual journal. It provides an outlet for my frustrations, or creativity, or just to make sure I remember what happened on a cool day of activity.

I had mostly stopped writing anything but the 1or 2 times every three months that you feel like you have to do. And I felt that was lame enough that it was time to stop unless I had something profound to unveil to the world. LOLOLOO I never have anything profound to write about but going back through some old journals I cannot believe the hate and venom I had at the company where I was injured. I just shake my head that I had allowed my self to fall that far and to give them that much control over my life. It finally took my hubby sitting me down and explaining it patiently over and over again till it finally sunk in, and yes he was so very right.

I had allowed this company all the power and what was sad was I willingly gave it to them by not keep the control myself. It really has taught me the importance of thinking things through and not over-reacting to every situation before you. Thank-God one of my hubby"s famous lecture series sunk in.

I have decided I will continue to write. Hopefully on a daily basis. Again something that was sparked by Holly and Carleigh. 30-40 years from now maybe my grandkids would like to read about boring grandma and grandpa...or what things were like when there mom and dad were little.

Usually it only takes 15-20 minutes and that is such a short time to give up, I really have no good excuse.

Power of Prayer

I didn't always believe that prayers could be answered. I went through the daily and nightly ritual of offering up a few words. I didn't really think about what I was saying, just doing it because your suppose to and you feel like you have to.

I have come to realize that prayer is the most power tool we have in our possession. It can bring such knowledge, peace, hope, direction, help and comfort to our mind and heart. It helps so much on the long road to get to know Jesus Christ and our self. I've learned that it is much better to have a dialogue with God instead of a monologue........ if I spend time in letting him know I am thankful for all the blessings that he has given and also letting him know of my needs and wants, it is much easier to see his answers in the various situations that arise in my life.
PRAYER IS POWER. Praying does more than just give us rest when we are weary. It gives us comfort no matter what circumstances we are going through in our lives.
We all need to learn to endure. Everyone always sees the word endure and it begins to take on a negative connotation. But enduring us really just the will to move forward with conviction and purpose under whatever circumstances we might be facing in our life.
I have found in my life we will always need comfort. I believe that is why God has given us the Holy Ghost. He knew that at all times every human would need to feel that constant comforter. What exactly is comfort? Is it the hugs and words of encouragement we get from friends and loved ones when we are going through sad times? I believe it is that and more. It is also the help and support we get in all walks and times of life. Comfort gives us a chance to share solace, consolation, and freedom from pain, want, or any other affliction we or our friends may be facing. It helps each of us steady our course in life when the unwanted and unexplained seems to surface and shackle us.
Probably the most important thing I learned from my injury and getting around it [ I am still trying to get through it} is perspective. I liked to get angry at my former employer and God and blame them for everything rotten that was going on in my life. My Hubby, the wonderful man that he is, would patiently explain{and lecture} about the need for me to understand that I had all the control over the situation. By getting angry and pissed off I was giving the employer and the injury all the control. It took awhile for it all to sink in but I finally realized he was right. I control whether or not I was happy or mad. I had the power and when I did the other I was just handing it over to others to decide how my life was going to go.
Facing life one day at a time is a challenge. I have a choice to make: either I can go through this life being happy, knowing that God knows my needs, or I can be miserable, by shutting him and his influence out of my life. I have found that for me; with my faith, my family, and my friends I can find my way to make the journey a much happier one. I can draw from them the strength I need to do whatever is expected of me. Without them I fail.
Comfort is a process. It comes by the hour, the day, the week, and the month. Comfort results from carrying on, not nursing wounds and Prayer is the means to comfort the soul under all circumstances.
Even with the best laid plans and good intentions, challenges and trials are bound to come into every life. When they do, let us not ask, Why did this happen to me? Rather, let us replace that question of despair with: What does this situation require of me?

"A Psalm of Life" states:
Not enjoyment, and not sorrow
Is our destined end or way;
But to Act that each tomorrow
Finds us further than today.

Carleigh's kick

It was so cool. Holly allowed me to feel Carleigh Kicking around in her tummy. It was just an indescribable experience. It's such a heart tugging thing. I'm so incapable of expressing how I feel both for Holly and Anthony and for Carleigh. I so wish they didn't have to go through this trial with Carleigh. I honestly don't think I could do it and then do it with the faith and love they both still exhibit. I just don't think I could be so strong.
So back to Holly's blog on what we have learned from Carleigh; just the faith to hold onto what you truly believe in, that even though the trials you go through are so very hard, you still hold onto what is true and right. It just adds to the list of things I am learning or re-evaluating in my life. So she touches me daily. It's hard to believe that an unborn baby can affect so many people in so many different ways.
Some people may still hold to the thought that Anthony and Holly should have terminated the pregnancy when they found out that Carleigh was affected with anencephaly but those are the people who fail to see beyond the defect, beyond what is on the surface. Those people need to really sit back and take inventory of their lives. Is what appears to look good or be "normal" that important that we forget or go against what we know is right? You cannot say you believe one thing and then go ahead and do something else.
Another little Carleighism: a new name for the things she teaches me- Don't say you believe one way but do or say something totally different just because it is what everyone else is doing or believing. Hold to the Truth.
Again a huge thanks to Holly { and Carleigh} for allowing me to feel little Carleigh ,letting me know she is here and quite the little fighter.

Carleigh

My heart hurts for you. How we all wish the healing hand of God would reach out to you and bring you to our family whole. But we also understand that sometimes prayers are not answered the way we want them to be. That doesn't mean that God has not heard, just the answer is not what we prayed for.
What she teaches us everyday is amazing. We have our life, we can do whatever we choose, what are we waiting for. WE HAVE what we pray for each day for Carleigh. We are whole and we will live. Maybe her lesson to all of us is to not waste our todays and tomorrows. Live each moment, each hour, each day to the fullest. We are capable of the impossible but afraid to do it.

Truth Be Told

I know that we all face struggles and challenges in our life. Nobody gets the free pass through it.
Death, illness, divorce, addictions, abuse, and the list could go on and on. Where does it end and Truth be Told it will never end. It is that circle of life we all must pass through whether our journey is but a moment or it last 100+ years. We begin to die the moment we take our first breath of life. That is just the way it is. We can either kick and scream the whole way through or we can enjoy all that is offered to us.
My list of what I call "Cry and Whine" is fairly extensive. I have the excuse to cry that life sucks and God hates me and why do all the bad things happen to me, but again, I know that through all these trials and struggles, if I face them and learn from them and through them I will come out the other side a better person. Someone who can help someone else who is just beginning their own walk down the road of bittersweet.
I rarely share one life event just because it is better left in the past. It made me question a LOT of things. Trust, trust, control, .....like I said better left in the far corner of the basement of my life. The other was the back injury. I've learned to not let those things control who and what I am. They are a part of me but they are not the defining parts of me that others get to know. Most don't even know, thats the way I want it to be. By dwelling on these things it's just to easy to get on the self-pity, depression, anger carousel and that is something that is really tough to get off of and out from underneath.
We all have to go through the fires of life. Some of these life tests are much hotter than others and appear to be a lot more unfair. We question how a God who is suppose to love us can allow us to "suffer". Free will allows us all to make good or bad choices and the results of those choices can have catastrophic effects on those around us when poor decisions are made.

I had to give a talk in my church shortly after I returned from California. The surgeries in San Francisco gave me back a small portion of ME. For that I am eternally grateful. The blessing I received before going to California promised me the healing hand of God and I believe in that so much. That in a small way God touched the surgeons hands and helped him salvage my spine.My talk follows below.
Ask and you shall receive. Pray with a pure heart and your request will be granted. God will never abandon you. I have heard these and similar statements my entire life. More so since I joined this church 15 years ago. I want to share my experiences in regards to these words and prayers. In D&C 46:30 it reads: he that asketh in the spirit asketh according to the will of God; wherefore it is done even as he asketh. In the book of James 1:5, a verse most of us can recite by memory, reads: If any of you lack wisdom let him ask of God that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him.
Like everyone of my generation, I’ve accumulated a pretty extensive set of experiences where the words above should have applied. Death has claimed several loved ones in my family and I’ve witnessed the passing of dear friends. We’ve suffered a few financial hardships. My children have stumbled and failed at times. I prayed during these events and the fact that I am here today is proof I made it through the challenges. But I didn’t make it through unscathed.

When my young nephew Brett passed away I wanted more than anything for God to provide a miracle. I prayed with a pure heart for a miracle. Brett was only 3 years old. In my mind if anyone deserved a marvelous work it was Brett. The miracle I prayed for never happened. After his funeral I didn’t pray for miracles for a long time. I prayed for wisdom, guidance and insight. I prayed that I could make it through the deaths of Grandparents, my mother-in-law and even more young nephews. I prayed that those I loved would be comforted in their grief. But I didn’t pray for miracles. I should have sought the comfort of 2 Nephi 26:15 : which reads “the prayers of the Faithful shall be heard.”
Looking back I can see I didn’t really believe in miracles anymore. I didn’t really believe I could ‘ask and receive’. I didn’t want to invoke the wrath of God by saying he had abandoned me, but I was pretty sure he was too busy to bother with my needs.

I became even more cynical about 3 1/2 years ago when I was injured in an accident at work. Bending over to pick up a stupid box I damaged several disks in my back. Had I been injured in a car accident, hurt on the basketball floor, or even in the weight room I may have been able to accept the injury better. Getting hurt doing what everyone does in everyday life was a tremendous blow to my ego. I took great pride in my physical condition. At that time I could still compete with college girls on the basketball floor. My heart rate was in the same range as world-class athletes. This kind of injury couldn’t happen to me. It happened to other people. I was too young to be struck down with an injury like this. I was only 38.
I went through the medical mill of chiropractors, orthopedic surgeons, neurosurgeons and even the Director of Spinal Disorders at the world renowned Cleveland Clinic. I saw technicians and pain management specialists. I was referred to psychiatrists and psychologists. I have had so many injections into my spine that I’ve lost count. I spent countless hours on the internet researching my condition and remedies. And for the first time in many years, I prayed for a miracle. For a while I attended church without fail, thinking that maybe my lack of commitment was the reason I had been injured. I received priesthood blessings prior to each surgery, hoping that in his mercy, God would grant me freedom from daily pain. My miracle never happened. On the contrary, it seemed like God had decided to heap frustration, anger and anxiety on me. I should have had faith in the scripture in John 14: 18 “I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you.” But I had lost faith in God and the church. I got caught up on the merry-go-round of depression and anger. I had had 3 surgeries with no resolution to the constant pain in my back and legs. I couldn’t begin to understand why God chose me to heap all this suffering on.
2 Thessalonians reads: Which is a manifest token of the righteous judgment of God, that ye may be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you also suffer. D&C section 24 verse 8 reads “Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many, but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of days.” I wasn’t ready yet to accept what was happening. I wanted that miracle, I wanted to be whole again.
The physical pain I faced each day was only magnified by the actions of my employer. They have decided to take the opposing position regarding my injury. They have fought every bill and every course of treatment I have had. They didn’t offer any alternatives except the Human Resources Manager that told me to take a week off ‘to get my back in shape again’. No one could have selected a worse environment to put me in. Their approach to the injury was equivalent to putting me in a mental prison with no outside windows. I am a great competitor, but the court of law has endless do-overs. I need to win or lose, but in this game if you lose you just appeal the decision. I was almost convinced God had abandoned me. It’s the only thing that made any sense.

Last November my father passed away unexpectedly. By this time I was taking pills to manage the pain, wearing patches to help manage pain, pills to enhance my mood, pills to get to sleep, and pills to wake up. There were no less then 12 different medications that my Dr.’s had me on. Needless to say there were times when I got the medications mixed up. But even without mixing them up I was just a walking zombie. I didn’t care about anything but the relief of my pain. It became all-consuming. Many people commented that I wasn’t really at the funeral at all, meaning that the drugs kept me from experiencing the moment. That may have been true, but no amount of drugs could have curbed my anger. I felt God had singled me out for undeserved punishment. I remember asking my husband ‘Where is my church and all the help I’m supposed to be getting?’ He apologized for not calling my friends in the ward on my behalf, but his words meant nothing. I didn’t want to hear anything but the angry voice inside me.
To make matters worse, the gentleman who was scheduled to conduct the funeral service decided he wouldn’t do it after all. He didn’t give any real reason except that he was uncomfortable with the music and words of the song “Amazing Grace”. Worst of all, he didn’t bother to call until 8:00 the night before the funeral. It was probably my darkest hour. My Mom was extremely upset and didn’t know where to turn. But somehow I knew what to do. I called Bishop Parker and asked if he could help us out of the difficult situation. Here was Bishop Parker faced with getting a talk together in less than 12 hours for a man he never knew. But he never wavered in his decision to give the eulogy. He has been there every time my family has needed him. What a wonderful example he sets for all the members of the church.
Ask and you shall receive. The words were never more true. I have no idea how many phone calls were made, how many schedules were changed, how many lives were disrupted. I only know that several members of this ward were in Carey the day of my father’s funeral. They brought the spirit and love of the church with them. They demonstrated the power of God’s love and mercy. The service was a blessing for my entire family. I saw that God hadn’t abandoned me, he was just a phone call away.

In March, after much research and prayer, I decided to proceed with treatment that several experts strongly advised against. I received a priestly blessing, and then I went to San Francisco for additional work on my back. The procedure was difficult and required me to have 2 separate surgeries. The first surgery took place on Good Friday and involved working on my spine from the front. Dr. Light took bone from my hip and grafted it in 2 locations on the front of my spine. The next surgery was scheduled for the following Monday, meaning I would have to spend Saturday and Sunday in the Intensive Care Unit.
Saturday and Sunday night, just prior to the second surgery I was exposed to a nurse who loved to comment on my course of treatment. I heard him discussing my case with another. He said there was a 50% chance I would die on the operating table. He couldn’t understand how a husband could put his wife through so much. He talked about the negative implications of my surgery for so long I convinced myself I shouldn’t have the second surgery. Monday, I called my husband at 6:00am and told him to get me discharged. I was in a complete panic and anxiety attack. I was afraid I would die. I was never more afraid of anything in my life as the thought of going through with the 2nd surgery. The entire operating crew was prepped and ready, they just didn’t have a patient. My husband and another nurse finally got me to agree to proceed. I thought of the scripture Phillippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengthenth me.”
As I was being wheeled to the operating room I prayed for a miracle. I asked God to allow my deceased Father to be with me. I needed the peace of mind that only my Dad could give me.
Ask and you shall receive. My prayer was answered. I looked up prior to the surgery to see my Dad standing between Dr. Light, the neurosurgeon and Dr. Avery, his assistant. I knew everything would work out OK then. After the surgery, I saw my Dad again. He had been with me the entire operation. John 14:18 reads “I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you.”
When I woke up after the surgery I realized that not only had our Heavenly Father answered my prayer for my Dad to comfort me, he granted blessings also. The constant pain in my left leg and feet that had been with me for the past 2 ½ years was gone. The continual stabbing pain in my lower back was gone. My surgeon was a very highly skilled professional with over 4,000 back surgeries to his credit. But I’m convinced he had the support of our Heavenly Father and performed a miracle of his own. The Blessings given By Bishop Parker and his Father-in-law here in Findlay were with Dr. Light each time I went into surgery in California. Certainly I have pain right now, but it lessens each day. I am certain that as I continue my recovery from the surgery I will be blessed with the best life has to offer.

I know some people will choose to believe I didn’t truly see my father that day. They will say I just wanted to see him so I called up a memory and placed that memory in the present day. Some will say the lack of wings or a halo-like glow around him proves that I was hallucinating or that the drugs were acting upon me. Some who share the beliefs of the man who was scheduled to conduct my father’s funeral service will say it is simply impossible that my father joined me because they can read in the Bible that it isn’t true. I also know that some people will say a surgeon with so much experience doesn’t need any help in the operating room. They will say that his skill alone has granted me relief from the pain. They can believe whatever they want. I know what I saw. I know how I feel today. I know God will never abandon me. I know prayers are answered. I know miracles do happen.
I have a long way to go yet. I face a year of rehabilitation before I find out how much of my life I will get back. I face another year or two or more, of court room antics by lawyers on retainers. I have no idea how these things will turn out, but I do know this church is true. I know God and his Son Jesus Christ do exist and they hear and answer our prayers.

Not everyone finds comfort in the scriptures, the don't believe in something they cannot see. but for me all the answers are there and with prayer you get the answers you need to support and sustain you. I am not a bible thumping holier that thou person. Most people probably couldn't tell you what religion I even am. Maybe that is an area I need to improve on, not be afraid to tell others that I do believe in the power of our Heavenly Father and his Son Jesus Christ. They are but a prayer away.

My husband wrote the following for my niece. She is going through a pregnancy where the end result is going to be the death of their daughter Carleigh. It has been this event in her life that has made me decide to take an account of my own life. Holly is showing such a strength in her faith and I have to wonder if under the same circumstances I would be so strong.
A Mother’s Love
I will never understand the love a Mother has for her children. Today I have finally accepted it is simply beyond my ability to comprehend.
Like so many of us I took advantage of my Mom as a child, and given the gift of hindsight, I probably even did that as an adult. Mom was always there looking out for me. It wasn’t until her final moments that I thought about how much she had done for me. In those precious few minutes it dawned on me that I would never understand why she cared as she did, why she put up with all my mistakes, why she loved me as much as she loved all her other children. She died with me never understanding the love of my Mother.
I was equally dumbfounded later in life when a family heirloom that meant the world to me seemed to have slipped through my fingers once again. Yet there is a lamp in our house today that serves as a constant reminder a Mothers love is not limited to those children she bears. Why was I the one blessed with this special act of kindness? After all these years, words still fail to describe the emotion of that moment. And it convinced me all the more I will never understand the love of a Mother.
Even when I watched my wife and the interaction she had with our sons, I couldn't understand the love of a Mother. Those boys drove me nuts but Becky persevered. I remember when teen choices drove a wedge between father and son, Mom was there making sure the wounded family ties were repaired. While I felt a huge sense of loss when they left our house and later when they married, Becky didn’t waste any time welcoming 2 wonderful young ladies into our lives. When I was convinced I should have done more, Becky knew we had done all that was needed to prepare our sons to lead their own households. How did she know? Why was she right every time? I have no idea. But it pretty much proved beyond any doubt I am incapable of understanding the love of a Mother.
Today I am confronted once more with my inability to grasp the enormity of a Mother’s love. Holly, our sweet little Holly, hesitated not one second when asked if she wanted to carry a child that would not look like other children. She was told her baby would not live as long as other babies are expected to live. She would never see her baby leave for the first day of school, go on her first date, or share that special day when wedding rings marked a new chapter in the lives of everyone who loved her baby girl. But Holly never wavered in her decision. In spite of the hardship, or maybe because of it, she chose to continue a bittersweet pregnancy that tore out the hearts of those who thought they knew what was best for her. I was one of those people.
Holly was not ready for this. It was just yesterday that I watched her and Katrina playing in a small wading pool with my sons. Just yesterday she fell asleep in my lap after a long day of boating and many failed attempts at water skiing. Just yesterday she was a busy athlete on the track and field team, a goofy acting teenager racing to embrace the promise of tomorrow. Just yesterday she married and with Anthony began a family.
It was just yesterday. I was there. I know she was not ready for this.
Yet what I know is not what I see because there stands Holly, glowing only as a happy mother-to-be can. There is Holly, smiling and reassuring all of us she is fine, that she knows this is the right choice. There is Holly, inspiring those who doubted, giving us the strength to carry on. At a time when she should be leaning on us she is instead the crutch a family depends on. How can she do that? Where does she find the strength? She has reminded me once again I will never understand the love of a Mother.
I deeply regret that I will never know little Carleigh. I would like to watch her grow and see her listen in wide-eyed wonder as I argue with her grandma about whether she looks more like her Mom or more like her Dad. I would like to hear her laugh when I tell stories of her Mom as a toddler and teen.
I would like to tell her what a wonderful Mom she has.
But somehow, I think she already knows all the things I would like to tell her. And I suspect she knows even more because I am certain she understands the one thing I never will: the love of a Mother.
I hesitate to speak of God because I know so little and others are far more qualified than I am to speak of his love for us. But instead of wondering why this happened I choose to believe in his wisdom. I choose to believe that He knew Holly was the best choice to be the Mother of one of his most precious children. I choose to believe that he knew Carliegh would be safe and warm and loved. Seeing the smile of our young Mommy-to-be I know it was the right choice.
I may never understand the love of a mother but today I understand the love of our Father just a little better. He sees what we can’t see. He knows what we don’t know. He understands what I don’t, the love of a Mother.
WH 2009

Why

Sometimes you have to wonder why things happen to you. You get that feeling that no one but you ever goes through bad things or tough times. God must not like you and you wonder why he keeps picking on you!!!

Our family is going through one of those times right now. My niece is carrying a precious little baby that she and her hubby know will die at birth or shortly there after. They were given the opportunity to terminate her life and start all over. But they made the choice to give there baby whatever chance of life she has by carrying her to term. What faith they are showing all of us by traveling down the road of bittersweet. To feel your child move inside of you and know as long as she is in you she is safe and alive but the minute she has to begin the birthing process she begins her own death.

I admire their courage and compassion. Especially when so many would have terminated the life of their "handicapped" child. For me it's this one main thing; God sent her to you this way for a reason. It is not necessarily ours to understand the why's and things like that but we can learn from her. We all have lessons to learn, weaknesses and strengths to deal with and Carleigh's lesson to us may be that however short and brief something is, we need to cherish it and grab onto that minute or hour and get all that we can from it. That we shouldn't take life for granted and the people that are in our circle. Life is this fragile thread that we need to nurture and guard.

I know Holly asked all of us what we are learning from Carleigh and to post our thoughts. So I decided to blog my thoughts instead. She has made me begin to go through my own life and look and all the people who have touched my life. Have I ever thanked the teachers who took the extra time to help me learn something, thank the coach who got me through a tough practice or game, the college professor who gave me good advice, we all have people who have gone beyond the call and helped us, but have we ever thanked them or told them that that little act of kindness they showed to us meant everything to us. The opportunities I have had to help someone, did I do all that I could have? Carleigh is helping me to learn to see the moment that is right in front of me. I am only going to have this one chance to make the most of today. I cannot worry about yesterday, it is time past, and I cannot worry about tomorrow because that time is not yet begun.